While in Raleigh, NC earlier this month, the comedy club wanted me to do a TV appearance on a local morning show. The show was “on location” at the mall, which is a fancy way of saying that their camera truck was taking up three parking spaces and pissing off shoppers.

Santa Claus was there too. Since it was Raleigh, I expected he would be sponsored by Philip Morris and handing out cartons of smokes. Not only was I wrong, but he did not appreciate the suggestion when I made it. Geez…lighten up, St. Nick.

The TV crew originally asked me to interview Santa, which I agreed to do. Unfortunately, Kris Kringle was camera shy. Hmmm. Amazing how he can slide down chimneys and keep tabs on millions of kids yet can’t handle 5 minutes in front of, let’s face it, a few dozen stay-at-home moms who are only halfway paying attention while they pack peanut-free lunches for their 5-year-olds.

No problem, I said. I’ll just ask my questions anyway and he can get back to me whenever his busy schedule allows, which I assume is somewhere around December 26.

Here we go….

With the name Blitzen, is it safe to assume that you’ve repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Has Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC ever surprised you after you’ve entered a child’s home?

When I was 7, I asked you for a double-loop Matchbox racetrack and got a pair of corduroy pants. As I did not order at a Wendy’s drive thru window, do you care to explain the mix up?

When will you step into the 21st century and replace Rudolf’s nose with a GPS?

Does it bother you that you’re less popular with little girls than that Bieber kid?

Can people get the Reindeer Games on Wii?

Why do you hate exercise?

When Michelle Obama puts out carrots and tomato juice instead of cookies and milk, will you please fill her stocking with a “little something” from Prancer?

When you leave the North Pole, does airport security pat down your Jingle Bells?

Seriously, why do you hate exercise? Are you afraid that using a Shake Weight will cause your elves to spread rumors?

Threatening kids with the warning “Santa Claus is watching” seems to work amazingly well. When will it replace UN sanctions as an effective tool to deal with North Korea?

Would it kill you to give the Mets a decent bullpen?

Several people have seen you making out with their moms. Are you the Tiger Woods of holiday celebrities?

Donner’s on steroids, right?

Are the polar caps really melting or is that a myth like the Loch Ness Monster and a fiscally responsible Congress?

Will you say “Feliz Navidad” while in Arizona, and if so, do you have your papers ready to show the cops?

Do you really keep a “naughty” list or do you just follow WikiLeaks?

There you go. I sure hope Santa has a sense of humor. If not, I predict by the 5th question, he’ll be looking for those smokes.
Merry Christmas, everyone!