The other day I received an email that began “Greetings!” The message wasn’t marked as spam, which is surprising. You’d think the word “Greetings!” would be a dead giveaway, especially with an exclamation point. It may as have said, “Hello from a Nigerian prince.”

I don’t know anyone who uses that word, either written, verbal, or in emoji hieroglyphics. Yes, there’s “Season’s Greetings”. I don’t have an issue with that one because the season of Christmas is part of it. But take the Christmas out of it, and it sounds weird. Like “Merry”. If someone told you to have a Merry Christmas, that’s one thing. But if they told you in July to have a Merry Wednesday, it’s time you get new friends.

You don’t even see “Greetings” on greeting cards. Greeting cards have moved past that word, even though it’s in their name. You could say they’re the Oriental Rugs of stationery.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a friendly person. I just think there’s a time and place for saying “Greetings”. That time and place is whenever and wherever an alien lands. And only from the alien, as in, “Greetings! Still flying space shuttles and planes, huh? That’s adorable.”

Sure, it would be inconsistent and illogical to master intergalactic travel while also using an archaic word. But he’d probably have a ray gun, so I wouldn’t argue too much with him, even if he tells you to have a Merry weekend.

Categories: Columns