A man dressed as Darth Vader robbed a bank in Long Island last week. Thankfully, he was quickly arrested outside while he waited for his mom to pick him up.

Despite more environmental awareness, carpooling numbers are declining. Apparently Americans prefer to drive themselves to the unemployment office.

BP has poured cement on top of mud to finally plug the oil well in the Gulf. Cement on top of mud is a good call. Now the only thing that will emerge from it is a bunch of weeds.

The Senate confirmed Elena Kagan to the U.S. Supreme Court. She was given a black robe, an office, and the nickname “Stonehenge”, because we haven’t learned anything about that either.

Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs. His fans used to scream out of fanaticism. Now they’re screaming because their idol is making them read.

Lady Gaga leads the way with 13 MTV Music Award nominations. To be fair, though, three of those awards were created just for her: The “WTF” Award, the “?!?!” Award, and the “Seriously, WTF?” Award.

Alex Rodriguez’s latest homerun finally put him in the 600 club. A hundred more and he gets an autographed photo of Pat Robertson.

Shaquille O’Neal will now play with the Boston Celtics. If the key to beating Kobe Bryant is to sign one of his former teammates, someone may soon ink a deal with a rape lawyer.

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre says that he will return if his body says so. Right now his body says “no” but after talking with Ben Roethlisberger, Brett doesn’t know what that word means.

New York City officials are going through with plans to build an Islamic cultural center and mosque near Ground Zero. Most people call it a “controversy”. Charles Rangel calls it “a nice diversion”.

Seven puppies died while in the cargo hold of an American Airlines jet. In a weird coincidence, seven dinners on Korean Air spoiled.

President Obama turned 49 years old. Appropriately, his aides sang Happy Birthday to him while reading it off a teleprompter.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson may give an official pardon to infamous killer Billy the Kid. In a related story, O.J. Simpson has applied for residency in New Mexico.