Writings

Debate on the debt ceiling continues. Republicans want to stop spending. Democrats want to raise taxes. The rest of America wants to vote on what to change our name to in order to dodge creditors after August 2.

Many experts disagree on what date the U.S. would actually default. Some say August 2. Others say it depends on whether or not Nancy Pelosi sees her shadow.

While undergoing surgery in Cuba, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is governing his country through Twitter.
His first tweet: “Didn’t anyone in my country go to medical school? #seriously!”
To get people to follow him, his username is @Bieber4eva

It has been reported that of the six deadly E. coli strains in the U.S., one is illegal. But let’s be honest, that strain may be illegal, but it’s infecting the food that American strains don’t want.

Netflix said that after years of impressive growth, it expects revenue to fall. That explains why they’re calling this quarter the “Rocky V” of earnings.

The longest work stoppage in NFL history finally ended this week. It lasted over 3 months when many predicted it would only take a matter of weeks. Now football fans know how their wives feel when they’re told there’s only a minute left in the game.

President Obama welcomed the World Series champion San Francisco Giants to the White House. Only to ask them to spread their victories around to teams who don’t have as many.

The new movie Captain America is set in 1942. You can tell because if it were set in 2011, his name would be Captain China.

Oregon Congressman David Wu will resign amid allegations of sexual misconduct. Well, we think he resigned. He told his female staff, “Ladies, I can’t keep this up forever.”

It was reported that millions of dollars sent from the U.S. to Afghanistan were actually funneled to the Taliban. Wow, even terrorist groups are too big to fail.

Wal-Mart will now offer streaming movies on its website. The news was a shock, with many people saying, “Wal-Mart has a website? Come on!”

Starting this fall, McDonald’s will make apples a standard item in Happy Meals. Which is the health equivalent of wrapping cigarettes in lettuce.

Michelle Bachman continues to say that her migraine headaches will not impede her ability to lead. She reassured America that she’s got plenty of other things that can do that.

A football coach in South Carolina was charged with public urination. In his defense, fans were cheering “Gimme a P!”

Jeopardy host Alex Trebek was injured while chasing a burglar. Unfortunately, both the doctors and the cops gave him answers, but none were in the form of questions.

Martin Sheen and son Emilio Estevez will take a bus tour through the U.S. in August. They didn’t invite Charlie because they wanted to take a bus, not a crazy train.

Ben Roethlisberger got married. 
Even harder to believe…he had a bachelor party that failed to make headlines.
Making him the first quarterback to have a metaphorical ball and chain when he probably deserves a literal one. 

The son of hockey great Wayne Gretsky signed a contract with the Chicago Cubs.  When asked if he was disappointed that his son wasn’t following in his footsteps, Wayne replied, “Which footsteps…hockey or winning?”

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