Writings

It was reported Monday that the price tag for the mission in Libya was approaching 1 billion dollars. Or as they say in Iraq, “half an hour’s worth”.

The reptile house at the Bronx Zoo was closed Sunday after staff members noticed that a 20-inch poisonous Egyptian cobra was missing from its enclosure. It was such a daring escape, all news reports are being narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Bronx Zoo authorities are trying to recapture their missing Egyptian cobra with live mice. But only because they failed to catch it using an Indian dude with a flute and a naked couple holding an apple.

Broadcasters in Western Europe, who are sensitive to the plight of people in Japan, have begun screening episodes of the Simpsons to make sure that the one featuring a nuclear meltdown does not air. Every other episode featuring yellow people with only eight fingers is perfectly fine.

People in Italy are upset over the way Italians are being stereotyped on episodes of the Jersey Shore, which has just started airing there. They said irresponsible sex hounds don’t represent normal Italians, just their prime minister.

According to a new poll, women begin acting like their mothers at age 32. “Sometimes way earlier than that,” said Woody Allen.

The man who invented Super Glue died this week at the age of 94. Even worse news for his family, the envelope holding his will is impossible to open.

A new website has been launched called ICorrect, which for 1000 dollars will allow celebrities to correct information about them on the internet that is false. Which means for 1000 dollars, Charlie Sheen can change “AB-positive” to just read “Tiger”.

If federal funding is approved, alcohol-detection devices could be a new car option within ten years. Also available in ten years: “new car scent” Tic Tacs.

Air New Zealand has hired Richard Simmons to appear in the airline’s in-flight safety videos. If flying weren’t uncomfortable enough for some passengers, now they can listen to Richard Simmons tell them what to do while going down.

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