Writings

According to a new report, New York City had a record 48 million tourists in 2010. It was actually a lot less than that, but the report counted everyone stranded at JFK and LaGuardia.

Debbie Boehner, the wife of new Speaker of the House John Boehner, said this week that her husband cries during big moments and that the country should get used to it. Said the country, “Okay, but can we get a warning on what the big moments are? Like when a girl says she wants to watch The Notebook?”

The IRS on Tuesday announced that the deadline for filing taxes will be extended this year to April 18 because of a little-known Washington DC holiday called Emancipation Day. Many black leaders are concerned that in celebrating their freedom, it’s suddenly okay for everyone to be late for something.

Mitsubishi this week introduced a new 7 and a half foot wide TV, which sells for 5000 dollars and is the largest set available on the market. It’s called “The Mitsubishi Divorcer”.

A dog in South Carolina can reportedly understand more than 1000 words. Many residents said they’re amazed a dog can understand the entire English language, plus another 500 words.

Biologists in Kentucky have determined that a hairless animal shot by a local man is not a chupacabra, but is a bald raccoon.
Or as it’s known outside of Kentucky: a Brazilian raccoon.

The Seahawks are the first team in NFL history to win a division with a sub-.500 record. Below-average talent and they’re still on TV! They should be called the Seattle Kardashians.

The NFC West was so dismal this season, the NFL will consider renaming it “The Big Ten”.

The offseason could see a new collective bargaining agreement. Which is just a fancy way of saying that Brett Favre could face a class action suit.

This weekend marked the likely end of the 16-game schedule. Next year, teams will play 18 regular season games. In other words, Seattle can win the NFC West with a record of 8-10.

Brett Favre is finally retiring. Well, he sent a text message photo of his penis holding a white flag, so that’s what we gather.

Favre faces a $50,000 fine for not cooperating with the NFL’s investigation. He plans on paying it with 50,000 pairs of Wranglers.

The Panthers lost again, only they didn’t call it a loss so much as “euthanasia”.

In an open letter on Monday, Commissioner Roger Goodell thanked fans of the NFL. Well, he showed them his bank statement, but same thing.

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulos’ Bleacher Report.

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