Writings

Topical Insights Sept #3


September 15th, 2010

President Obama said his administration is in a “wrestling match” with Republicans in Congress. Then, as if finally getting permission, John Boehner slammed a steel chair over Nancy Pelosi’s head.

The minister in Gainesville, FL who threatened to burn Qurans on 9/11 called off the service. Now the controversy is at Barnes and Noble, who ordered so many of the books, they’re having what they call a “Fire Sale”.

Bad weather in South America has caused commodity prices to skyrocket. So much so, now you can sponsor TWO kids in Africa for the price of a cup of coffee.

Experts now say oil that was spilled in the Gulf isn’t gone but could be sitting in places where nobody has been. The oil is at a WNBA game?

Lady Gaga showed up to the MTV Music Awards in a dress made entirely of raw meat.
It was all beef. No white meat. It IS after Labor Day, people.
Red carpet reporters asked her, “Who are you marinating?”
When she won for “Best Video”, she cried so much, A-1 Sauce ran down her cheeks.
It was the only dress that had to cleared by sensors AND the USDA.

A new book by a former photographer alleges that Paris Hilton hid drugs inside her body while traveling. He went on to suggest that she hid them in her skull, because there’s plenty of room up there, and every orifice on her body has a hard time staying shut.

A lion at MGM Grand in Las Vegas attacked its trainer. “A strong, aggressive lion? What’s that look like?” asked Detroit.

Officials in Chattanooga, TN claim that the city has the fastest internet in America. So congratulations, Chattanooga! You can get a hooker on craigslist in half the time as anywhere else.

A federal judge in California ruled that the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy is unconstitutional. Some troops, however, will not pull out of the closet but will remain behind for security-building and peace-keeping purposes.

Researchers in Utah have invented a sensor that automatically converts thoughts into speech. They call the device the “Mel Gibson Filter”.

In response to a Mexican reporter’s sexual harassment lawsuit against the team, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson personally apologized and promised that from now on his team would respect women. Apparently by playing like them against the Ravens.

Arnold Schwarzenegger joked about Sarah Palin on Twitter when he wrote that as hard as he tried, he couldn’t see Russia while flying over Alaska. Sarah Palin responded that as hard as she tried, she couldn’t sit through “The Expendables”.

Pennant Fever is gripping Major League Baseball. Except the Mets don’t call it Pennant Fever. They call it “Bird Flu”, because they’ve heard about it but have never seen it up close.

Iran officials have released hiker Sarah Shourd. She said she wants to get back to an American way of life…hot dogs, TV, and looking desperately for a job.

A news coorespondent in Washington sent a tweet during his own heart attack. Paramedics quickly treated him for a blocked coronary and acute narcissism.

Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, the man accused of trying to blow up a plane last Christmas with a bomb in his underwear, has chosen to act as his own attorney. I guess he’ll do his own “de-briefing”.

The Obama administration wants to sell $60 billion worth of warplanes to Saudi Arabia. Well, they’re actually just a fleet of Jet Blue planes, but they’re equipped with flight attendants who love dropping F-bombs.

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