Writings

Lawmakers have proposed a bill that would make Major League Baseball’s Opening Day a federal holiday, which could be the closest Congress gets this year to immigration reform.

An 11 year-old girl and a 13 year-old boy in Missouri tied in their county’s spelling bee after both spelled words correctly for 66 rounds and then judges ran out of words. Missouri: home to just 132 words.

It was announced this week that starting in April former President George W. Bush will display more than two dozen of his paintings at his presidential library. He said anything more than that would just be too many hand turkeys.

According to a recent survey 65 percent of teenagers say that taking and posting “selfies” online help boost their confidence.
Which means only 35 percent of teenagers read the comment sections.

A new study shows that married men have lower blood pressure than single men. Leading scientists to conclude that high blood pressure is a direct result of having fun.

Archaeologists in New York City doing work under City Hall Park have discovered a 200 year old vaginal syringe, surprising everyone who thought Donald Trump was the oldest douche in New York.

Plastic surgeons have reported a 16 percent increase in the number of buttock augmentations performed in the last year. “Finally!” said surgeon Dr. Sir Mix-A-Lot.

It was discovered this week that a freshman at Duke University is also a porn star. It became known when she was the only one in her class to take on two different kinds of Freshman 15.

Taco Bell announced this week that it will start selling breakfast foods, including a waffle taco–perfect for anyone who actually wants evidence when claiming a sick day.

A couple in California, who were taking their dog for a walk, discovered 10 million dollars in gold coins buried next to a tree. In a related story, the Humane Society accidentally let a couple adopt a leprechaun.

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