Writings

SNL Jokes Week 10


December 23rd, 2013

Forbes this week listed The Rock as the top money-making actor of 2013. Coming in second place–The Scissors.

Toys R Us announced this week that its stores will remain open for 87 straight hours leading up to Christmas. Also announced by Toys R Us–”Red Bull Santa”.

A hotel in Texas has created a half-ton chocolate sculpture of Santa Claus, a move that upset Megyn Kelly who says he’s always been vanilla.

Pennsylvania police arrested a man after discovering 20 pounds of marijuana in his car wrapped as Christmas presents, which means somewhere, there are eleven pipers NOT piping.

An Oklahoma man, who was being arrested for outstanding warrants, proposed to his girlfriend while in handcuffs. Police said it was the worst ever exercise of the right to remain silent.

Google revealed this week that the top search for 2013 was “What is twerking?” The second most-searched phrase was “How do I get images of twerking out of my brain?”

A high school in North Carolina has stopped using bells to signal the end of classes and instead relies on students to keep track of the schedule on their own. See it all unfold in the hilarious new sitcom “Saved By the Responsible Friend with a Watch”.

Dutch prostitutes this week are demanding to get the same retirement tax benefits that are given to professional soccer players in the country, saying they both do “hard physical work.” “We agree,” said everyone who plays soccer on their backs.

A new report shows that one in 15 high school seniors smokes marijuana on a daily basis, a number that seems low given the usual shop class ratio of bongs to birdhouses.

An excavation at a Stone Age village in China revealed that the domestication of cats may have started more than 5000 years ago. Starting 5001 years ago–spinsters.

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