Writings

SNL Jokes Week 7


November 24th, 2013

Florida police are searching for the thieves who stole 500,000 dollars worth of Red Bull from a warehouse. Suspects are believed to be armed and incredibly chatty.

The Post Office reported that on average the American home now receives only one handwritten personal letter every two months. The good news: the average American home still has at least one grandma.

Toronto’s City Council this week stripped away most of Rob Ford’s responsibilities as Mayor, however he still refuses to step down from office. He may take the elevator down, but not step down. #QuiteGirthy

Dick Cheney said this week that he is “pained” to see the fight between his two daughters, Mary and Liz, over the issue of gay marriage go public. After all, some Thanksgiving traditions should remain in the home.

A new poll shows that 57 percent of Americans oppose the Affordable Care Act. 43 percent don’t have a computer.

A 52 year-old woman has been arrested 396 times in the past 35 years. So yes, there is a Ghost of Lohan Future.

A British man who worked as a George Clooney impersonator says that he was once offered nearly 9000 dollars to sleep with a man’s wife for her 40th birthday. He declined, but he did give back the twelve bucks she spent to see Ocean’s 13.

Dutch linguists have concluded that the one word that appears in every language is “huh?”. Because every civilization has men who watch sports when their wives are talking.

By selecting Harry Potter to appear on a series of stamps, the US Postal Service has angered the Citizens Stamp Advisory Committee, who object to an English character appearing on an American stamp, although they do approve of using magic to try and save the US Postal Service.

A British company is selling a new outfit designed for couples to wear at the same time that has four arms, but only three legs. They got the idea after visiting an octopus clothing outlet store.

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