Writings

SNL Jokes Week 6


November 22nd, 2013

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel this week criticized a ruling that the new World Trade Center was taller than his city’s Willis Tower, saying that the Trade Center’s 400 foot spire is just an antennae and should not count. And if you don’t buy that, you should at least consider that buildings in Chicago only appear smaller because they’re more wet and cold.

The woman who was featured on the HealthCare.gov homepage said this week that she became the victim of “cyberbullying.” To ensure that fewer people will find her online, she’s begging to be put back on HealthCare.gov.

According to a new study teenagers who bully other kids are more likely to engage in risky sex. Which explains the new “Welcome, Bullies” marketing campaign in Thailand.

Florida police arrested a man who was wearing his “Clint Eastwood poncho” with nothing on underneath. He’s charged with illegally airing “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”.

During a recent interview George Clooney criticized Leonardo DiCaprio for hanging out with a group of people who talk trash while playing basketball, but aren’t actually good at the game. DiCaprio responded by saying that he’s never even met the Knicks.

A Texas woman created a wedding cake for her husband that was decorated with edible sculptures of their bloody, severed heads. Because apparently the bakery was all out of giant red flags.

A lawyer in Chicago is offering a 1000 dollar scholarship to any grad student who studies anything but law, causing thousands of students to immediately sue him for discrimination.

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the creation of the plain white T-shirt, and the 99th anniversary of the girl-repellant pit stain.

An Illinois man was arrested after he won a bet on the Packers-Bears game with his wife and used a stun gun on her. He’s charged with the aggravated melting of a giant cheesehead.

In his new biography, Mike Tyson reveals that he entered several of his major fights while high on cocaine, a drug that, judging by the Holyfield fight, can also give you the munchies.

A Texas man has spent more than 250,000 dollars to construct a replica of the Oval Office in his house. Well he’s got the wasteful spending part down, at least.

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