Writings

SNL Jokes Week #1


October 1st, 2013

In a crusade against Obamacare this week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz attempted to delay a vote on the budget by speaking on the Senate floor for more than 22 hours without a bathroom break. Which made him the first politician to literally be more full of it than the others.

A new study shows that the reason people say they want to “eat” or “bite” a baby is due to the smell of newborns which triggers a surge of dopamine similar to the reward response that comes from craving food. Just a fun fact to share at your next baby shower.

This Tuesday was National Punctuation Day. Or as it’s known on Twitter: “Weirdo Day”

Netflix this week unveiled a new app for Twitter that will hide Breaking Bad spoilers from users’ feeds. It’s called the “Just don’t look at Twitter til you watch Breaking Bad” app.

A condominium complex in New Jersey will start taking DNA samples from residents’ dogs to determine whose dog’s feces is not being picked up around the complex. It will also kick start the new hit show “Doggie Maury Povich”.

President Obama was overheard this week joking that he was able to finally quit smoking because he was scared of his wife. Your move, Mr. Putin.

A new poll shows that 27 percent of airline passengers have tipped their flight attendant at some point. Usually by placing a dollar into a very small glass.

A sheriff’s deputy in Georgia was arrested for allegedly selling marijuana from his squad car. Cops became suspicious when he always gave the ice cream truck a police escort at 4:20.

Burger King this week unveiled a new type of French Fry that has 30 percent less fat and 20 percent fewer calories called “Satisfries”. Unfortunately, the rest of the meal is still called “Burger King”.

A new report lists Los Angeles as the city in the US most vulnerable to natural disasters. As well as the manmade kind–Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, Mel Gibson…

Researchers have discovered that people can overcome a fear if certain aspects of that fear are introduced to them while they sleep. It’s most effective if they want to replace their fear with the fear of going to sleep.

Residents of a village in England are concerned about a movement to change the pronunciation of the town’s name to its original Welch pronunciation “Y Farteg”. Especially since it’s just down the road from Pullmyfingerteg.

A student at the University of Wisconsin is paying his way through school by winning eating contests. Even more impressive, he’s giving our country an idea how to pay off the national debt.

A filmmaker is claiming that a sheet of music used by the Nazis may actually contain a hidden code for the location of a buried treasure. In other words: Nicolas Cage, you’re needed in wardrobe.

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