Writings

President Obama appeared on TV and made his case to the American people. To make sure they watched, he did it in front of Howie Mandell and Howard Stern.

No word on whether or not Vladimir Putin watched Obama’s speech. But whether he did or didn’t, experts agree–his shirt was probably off.

Secretary of State John Kerry told Russia that the situation with Syria “is no game”. Which made it weird when China put quarters on the table and said, “We got next.”

Syria agreed to put its chemical weapons under international control, which was proposed by their buddies in Moscow–making it totally trustworthy!!

It was reported there was a major car crash in London, causing many to believe that England is now home to the Mayor of Detroit.

A new study shows that more teens are smoking e-cigarettes. The more disturbing trend…they’re smoking them after having e-sex.

Teen births are at their lowest rate since 1940. Experts credit the backseat of the declining auto industry.

A fire destroyed an iconic boardwalk on the Jersey shore. They don’t yet know the cause, which is to say, they don’t yet know which tanning salon ignited someone’s hair gel.

Witnesses of the New Jersey fire said Governor Chris Christie rushed to the scene. And immediately made giant S’mores.

They’re making a movie about boxing icons Rocky and Raging Bull. Old white guys are fighting, so it could be about the Republican Party.

The New York mayoral primary is over, despite Anthony Wiener’s insistence that voters look at “one last poll”.

Major League Baseball announced that it will open its 2014 season in Australia. But only to see if the Mets season goes in the other direction down the toilet.

The new iPhone features fingerprint recognition. “Great. More data.” said the NSA.

Recent conditions in Colorado have been described as “biblical”, causing some to believe the new marijuana laws are written on stone tablets.

7-Eleven has introduced healthier snack options like trail mix, veggie chips and edamame. Because believe it or not, sometimes even potheads want to go low-carb.

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