Writings

The Royal Baby is a boy! Even more amazing, the world paid attention even after they learned it’s not a Kardashian.

He is third in line to the throne, following William and the winner of next year’s BCS Bowl Championship game.

President Obama is likely to send a gift to the Royal Family. And it’s likely to be the world’s only wiretapped rattle.

The baby’s name has not been released yet. Only William and Kate know, and probably Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden, by the way, remains in limbo. Which explains why he fits in in Russia.

Detroit made news this week when it became the largest US city to ever resemble a college graduate.

Detroit was so broke, it was even dodging the Girl Scouts from next door. Did you really need those Thin Mints, Mayor Ding?

Detroit listed over 100,000 creditors. Holy crap. I realize the Free Credit Report.com band isn’t as cool as Motown, but do a little research, people.

Results of a new survey show that men think it’s easier to flirt through text messaging than through an actual phone call. The survey has a margin of error of +/- Anthony Weiner.

Texas A&M quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel is being scrutinized for drinking underage, lying to police, and fighting at bars. In other words, a college kid is being scrutinized for being a college kid. Next he’ll have to serve probation for switching majors 8 times. What a menace to society.

People who follow the Pope on Twitter can now receive indulgences on the social network. But only if they can say 10 Hail Marys in less than 140 characters.

Twinkies are back! No word on whether Mayor Bloomberg accepts the rematch.

Comic Con is this week in San Diego. You can tell because moms across the country are coping with empty basement syndrome.

The Boy Scouts announced this week that scouts who are too obese won’t be allowed at their annual jamboree. It’s a shame. Those kids make the best Smores.

Some scouts who weren’t invited say they didn’t see it coming. So apparently there’s a “Be Prepared” motto remembering problem to deal with too.

Major League Baseball announced that it will use instant replay more next year. They said they felt way behind everyone else. “Welcome to our world,” said the Cubs.

A new study suggests that smarter kids tend to go farther away for college. It could mean that they have a desire to branch out, or it could just simply mean that there’s no Ivy League in Asia.

Police arrested the kingpin of the ruthless Los Zetas drug cartel in Mexico. So if the war on drugs were a football game, we scored a touchdown in the fourth quarter to close the gap to 96-7. Go team!

The nosegear of a Southwest Airlines jet collapsed after landing at Laguardia Airport. Welcome to the new terror, America…fat pilots.

Major League Baseball completed its latest steroid investigation. Apparently a lot of all-star, future hall of fame players are going to get suspended. “Whew. We’re safe.” said the Mets.

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