Writings

Topicals March #2


March 13th, 2013

Mitt Romney this week criticized President Obama’s handling of the budget sequester and said he wishes he were there to fix it. He tried, of course, but is reminded each time that he’s programmed to “Read Only”.

Workers at a gold mine in Australia were fired recently after they recorded a Harlem Shake video deep inside a mine…because gold mines are strictly reserved for things that grow in value.

US Ambassador Joseph Torsella revealed this week that UN officials are often drunk while negotiating their annual budget and he wants to see that changed. Because there’s only so many times you can hear Canada say, “Seriously…I love you, man!!”

NASCAR revealed that the National Rifle Association will be the title sponsor of a race in Texas next month. Which is odd for a group that usually hates when things constantly go left.

Senator Rand Paul on Wednesday received help during his 13 hour filibuster from several Republicans Senators, including Marco Rubio who used his time to quote lyrics from Wiz Khalifa, a name that’s not fun to hear when you’re trying desperately to hold it in.

A new gym has opened in Chicago that allows people to work out with their dogs, creating mass confusion whenever someone asks for a spot.

New York City Council members are calling for an increase in fines for city cabs that smell badly. No word yet on what they would do with the additional 50 million dollars.

Dennis Rodman said this week that the only thing that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un wants is for President Obama to call him, preferably with the number of Michelle’s hair stylist.

Many fire stations around the country are replacing the traditional brass pole with a safer playground-style slide. In a similar safety move, police will now arrest criminals by saying “Red Rover, Red Rover send yourself over”.

It was reported this week that a police dog in Massachusetts that was searching a snow bank for a gun, accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw, firing the weapon. And suddenly, making him yellow became the second-worst thing a dog could do to a snowman.

Police in California arrested a man for robbery after they got his address from a piece of mail he left behind. Good thing, because there’s a chance that Publisher’s Clearing House will provide him with bail money.

Insiders are saying that William Johnson, the CEO of Heinz could get a payout of 212 million dollars to leave the company after it goes public. But he’ll have to wait for it while he taps on the side of the company over and over.

China has launched a new competition for American screenwriters to write a movie about Beijing. And if the U.S. wants to start paying off its debt, it should be titled “The Avengers 2”.

A new tourist attraction has opened in Dubai called the Miracle Garden, which features 45 million flowers arranged in various patterns and shapes. Experts say it’s not truly a miracle, though, until they’re arranged in the patterns and shapes of the game you’re missing to see it.

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