Writings

Topicals Jan #2


January 22nd, 2013

Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Lance Armstrong aired on Winfrey’s poorly rated OWN channel. A boost in viewership could prove that if you do them long enough, you actually can turn into a performance enhancing drug.

Oprah Winfrey said this week that she was “mesmerized and riveted” by her time with Lance Armstrong, confirming that at no point did she watch a bicycle race.

Manti Te’o

It was revealed this week that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, who was inspired to a Heisman-caliber season by the death of his girlfriend, was actually  the victim of an online hoax and that the girl never existed. Having hope shattered like that…should prepare him well if he’s drafted by the New York Jets.

Just heard that Manti Te’o’s girlfriend got cast as Barack Obama in Clint Eastwood’s new movie.

Many ask why Te’o would have an online girlfriend when he was the star on the football team. Those people have obviously never been to South Bend.

They say Te’o got catfished. Not to be confused w/ “fish outta water” which is when a midwest team faces an SEC offense.

Back to real news..

Ryan Gosling revealed this week that in the early 1990s he had a chance to be a part of the Backstreet Boys, but declined because he thought they would never be a success. Causing his fans to ask, “Wait, that was your first reason?”

A Pennsylvania man, who pled guilty to charges that he called in a fake bomb threat to an airline, was ordered to send letters of apology to every passenger on the plane that was delayed. Because that’s what a guy like that needs…personal addresses.

Health experts are saying that this year’s flu vaccine is only 62 percent effective, and getting it could still make you feel ill. Which explains the new vaccine spokesperson: Tim Tebow.

Several thousand college co-eds around the country are now using the website “Seeking Arrangements” which helps young women find rich older men to pay their tuition. In other words, a creepy website was founded by Brent Musberger.

Malik Obama, President Obama’s oldest half-brother, has announced that he has entered the race for governor of a region in Kenya, where he’s expected to face extreme scrutiny from Malik Trump.

The Girl Scouts this week introduced a new healthy cookie called the Mango Crème, which is made with dehydrated fruits and vegetables. Perfect for people who want to buy Girl Scout cookies but really hate cookies.

A new report shows that Subway’s famous “Five Dollar Footlongs” are actually only 11 inches. Which is still pretty good for white bread.

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