Writings

More stores are reporting that random strangers are paying off people’s layaway bills. With that in mind, Congress crossed its fingers and put the national debt on layaway.

The “fiscal cliff” continues to loom large. Nobody wants to talk about it but they know that they have to. Which is why I suggest we refer to it as “Uncle Sam’s drinking problem”. With the cliff coming and no deal in sight, I also suggest we change the names of Democrats and Republicans to “Thelma and Louise”.

Citing an ancient Mayan calendar, many people prepared for the end of the world on December 21. Leading to a ton of apology calls to mothers in-law on December 22.

Many who believed the Mayans say the doomsday calendar was wrong because of bad math. Leading some to conclude the Mayans were somehow educated in American high schools.

All those doomsday prophecies spawned a big uptick in Mexican tourism. “Thank you, Mayans!” said Pepto Bismol.

Tim Tebow and the New York Jets are expected to part ways at the end of the season. I think it’s safe to say that now it’s Tebow’s career that he hopes is reborn.

Nobody can predict his future, so NFL experts say it’s best to envision a Tim Tebow pass…there’s no telling where he’ll end up.

A new report shows that 1 in 15 12th graders smokes pot daily. And 14 in 15 12th graders make some very bland home-ec brownies.

A massive snowstorm blew through the Midwest last week. Either that or Lindsay Lohan’s luggage exploded over Chicago.

The U.S. Military is seeking help with its drone video footage from ESPN. They got the idea when the Pentagon said they wanted to watch their highlights 35 to 40 times a day.

Census Bureau estimates show a slow growth in the U.S. But that’s only because the census operates in numbers, not pounds.

Fewer pirate attacks are being reported near Africa. Experts say these “ruthless lowlifes haven’t developed a work ethic but only moved inland”. Leading many to fear that yes, Africa now has Amway.

A former Olympic runner admitted that she worked the last year as a Vegas call girl. Making her the first Olympian to get tested for something other than steroids. Her customers knew something was up since she was the only call girl to charge by the second.

Travel experts predict that most airlines will soon offer in-flight entertainment. If it’s true, say goodbye to Southwest “flight attendants”. Say hello to Southwest “sock puppeteers”!

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