Writings

On Wednesday, President Obama showed couples everywhere that it’s not always a good idea to not work hard on your anniversary.

The first Presidential debate was held Wednesday night with most analysts saying Mitt Romney gave a more aggressive and crisp performance than President Obama. So much so, he’s been asked to compete in next week’s BattleBots.

During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS. He also said that he likes Bert and Ernie, but they will not be allowed to get legally married.

Justin Bieber this past weekend vomited on stage during a concert and later blamed it on drinking too much milk. In a strange twist, the story made Keith Richards laugh so hard, heroin came out his nose.

In a recent interview Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that he wears the same thing every day. Mainly a frown while he’s watching his stock performance.

In his new memoir Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to cheating on Maria Shriver on multiple occasions, including once with co-star Brigitte Nielsen while filming Red Sonja. He then admitted the affair is the second most shameful thing about that sentence.

Campus police at Michigan State University subdued a calculus professor who had a mental breakdown in class and stripped naked. Even more strange, there are now students guaranteed to remember something from calculus class.

Cable TV providers this week warned their customers that sunspot activity may affect their service creating fuzzy reception, relieving some viewers who thought they were watching a short circuiting Mitt Romney.

Veterinarians are saying they have seen a rise in the number of incidents of dogs being stoned in places where medical marijuana is legal. They can tell because when a mailman walks by, the dogs just say, “whatever, dude.”

A new device is being tested by farmers in Switzerland that sends them a text message when their dairy cows are in heat. “I told you it would catch on,” said Arkansas.

*The above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

Comments are closed.