Writings

A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a 4-point bounce in the polls. To be fair, the margin of error is +/- Clint Eastwood.

During a campaign visit by President Obama to a Florida pizza shop, the body-builder owner was so excited when the President complimented him on his pecks that he gave the President a bear hug and lifted him a foot off the ground. Three inches shy of the record, held by the first lady.

While campaigning in Ohio, Vice President Biden got his picture taken with a female biker sitting on his lap while he whispered in her ear. And you thought it was only uncomfortable when you could actually hear what he was saying.

President Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of “Secretary of Explaining Stuff.” Or as it’s more commonly known to Americans, “President of Wikipedia”.

A dance studio in Canada has started offering pole dancing classes for children as young as five. But before you get too upset, it may be a clever trap to lure Honey Boo Boo out of the country.

It was reported that Al Pacino is in talks to play the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in a new movie. He said it’s like the role he had in “Scent of a Woman”, only this one is way more blind.

Many studios and television networks such as Disney, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network, are warning the child actors on their shows that they could lose their jobs if they post inside information on social media sites. “Whatever,” said new teen sensation iCarly Assange.

For the season premiere Monday of the talk show “The Talk,” the five hostesses wore only white bathrobes and no makeup. The result: America’s first ever wave of Hi-Def-TV buyer’s remorse.

Tennessee police this week shut down an illegal strip club that featured a live-sex show involving a pair of 400 pound dancers. Police said they never would have found the place, but they were tipped off by a Richter Scale.

Fox TV this week decided not to produce a proposed reality show from Gordon Ramsay called “Gordon Behind Bars,” in which convicts run a small food business inside a jail. Fox explained that viewer interest fell when they heard that Gordon Ramsay had little chance of getting shanked.

As part of an effort to promote a new line of bacon, a man is traveling across the country using only bacon as currency. Critics are calling it, “The most realistic look at life in America after the Apocalypse.”

A winemaker in Sweden has released a designer “wine handbag,” which can carry up to three liters of wine. It’s called “Randy Travis’s Canteen”.

The NFL:

The Giants came back after a horrible first half. Usually when someone changes looks that drastically in New York, it’s  when the lights come on after last call.

After throwing 3 interceptions, Eli Manning turned around and became a different player. Usually when a player turns around in New York, it’s because he’s getting handcuffed. #Plaxico

Jags start 0-2 for the fifth straight year. Jaguars are so bad at starting, they got demoted to the Ford Pintos.

The above jokes were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulos’s “Quick Snaps”.

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