Writings

Tim Tebow on Tuesday denied reports that he would be the next “Bachelor” on the hit reality series. After all, why disappoint even more people who really want a ring?

A new law took effect in Los Angeles requiring actors in adult films to use condoms. Most upset at the decision: towel unions.

A New York City official on Tuesday defended the cleanliness of the city’s Times Square subway station saying that “you could practically eat off the floor there.” In fact, he said, that’s how street vendors flavor their hot dogs.

The Disney songwriter who created such classic numbers as “It’s a Small World After All” and “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” died this week at the age of 86. Friends expect his eulogy to be stuck in their heads for 3 more days.

Mitt Romney criticized Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum for continuing their Presidential campaigns saying that they are ignoring “the basic principles of math.” Experts said it didn’t really matter, since the last Republican President ignored the basic principles of English.

Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, “I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time.” No kidding, said anyone who’s ever seen Newt Gingrich.

President Obama this past weekend spoke before the American Israel Public Affairs Committee and assured Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that “I have Israel’s back.” The bad news: Israel now owns a fleet of electric tanks.

Coors this week introduced a new iced-tea flavored version of Coors Light. It’s called iced-tea.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency announced Monday that it has developed a robotic Cheetah that can run at 18 MPH, which is a new record for machines with legs. In other words, there’s a new and improved Chevy Volt.

It was reported that McDonald’s is planning to rehabilitate the image of its Happy Meal as a cause of childhood obesity and instead will now focus on nutrition. As a result, the Happy Meal will now be called the “Apathy Platter”.

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