Writings

SNL Jokes for Jan 14


January 16th, 2012

This past Sunday people in New York took part in the annual “No Pants Subway Ride.” Followed by the more popular “Lysol Monday”.

According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, for the first time in 45 years, homicide is no longer among the top 15 leading causes of death in the US. It’s great news, but most agree: we need a playoff system.

Newt Gingrich on Monday was forced to cancel an appearance at his New Hampshire campaign headquarters after protesters swarmed the entrance. Causing him to finally admit that no, sometimes he can’t fit through the door.

A new study shows that nicotine patches can help improve memory of senior citizens. Especially when they can’t remember where they put their cigarettes.

A new report shows that sales in the underwear industry have fallen in the past year. Most upset about the news: pants.

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies and Ring Dings, announced on Wednesday that it is filing for bankruptcy. Their new business strategy: more Ho-Hos, but even more Pimp-Pimps.

Governor Rick Perry finished last in the New Hampshire primary with only 1 percent of the vote. Finishing just above him with 2%: milk.

After his strong second place finish in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, Ron Paul greeted supporters by walking out on stage to the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. Wow, he even gets his music from a galaxy far, far away.

A pub in England has started selling a special beer designed for dogs. Because the only thing better than licking yourself is licking yourself with a chaser.

Florida police arrested a woman who allegedly hit a man on the head with a hammer when she got “upset with Judge Judy.” Even crazier: they were watching Piers Morgan.

According to a new report from the TSA, last year airport security caught an average of 4 people a day trying to take guns onto planes. Even more frightening: it was always the same family from Texas.

A new report says that people should not drink alcohol at least two days a week. The good news for drinkers…they never said which days!

Newt Gingrich announced Monday that he has received the endorsement of Todd Palin, Sarah Palin’s husband. Which is like saying your marriage history is endorsed by the Kardashians.

According to a new study nicotine gum and patches have no long term benefits in helping people to quit smoking. Experts still say the best way to quit is to hang around people who constantly ask to bum a cigarette.

A man in Iran, who had a tattoo placed on his penis, is now stuck with a semi-erection. But the really bizarre part, it’s always pointed towards Mecca.

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