Writings

At the GOP debate on Tuesday, Herman Cain’s Republican rivals called his 9-9-9 tax plan “unrealistic” and “inadequate”. Little did they know, by using those words, they summoned Beetlejuice Ralph Nader.

After solid performances in the GOP debates and a lead in the polls, many Republicans are coming to view Mitt Romney as the “inevitable candidate.” Just because it’s inevitable doesn’t mean they’re excited, hence the new GOP slogan: “Death, Taxes, Romney!”

More than 40 couples in Maine this past weekend competed in the annual Wife-Carrying Championship. The winner: not the Mormon.

The assisted suicide machine created by Dr. Jack Kevorkian will be auctioned off later this month. For the first time ever, the machine will hear something come after “going once”.

According to a new study, 91 percent of children in the US play video games. When they heard that, they said, “Wow, that’s like almost half!”

According to a new study, blind optimism could be the result of faulty functioning of the brain’s frontal lobe. Or faulty functioning of whoever prepared your 401K statement.

A scientist in England is suggesting that because shaking hands can spread diseases like the flu, people should touch elbows instead. Read this and other ideas in the new book “Sure Fire Ways to Completely Ruin a Job Interview.”

California this week became the first state in the country to make it illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to use tanning beds. Somehow still legal, however: European men wearing Speedos in public.

A performance artist in Brooklyn, New York has started a month-long piece on her pregnancy that she hopes will end with her giving birth before a live audience at an art gallery. It’s perfect for people who love art galleries, but really hate art.

Colts are 0-6. That’s such an imbalance, fans plan on staging an Occupy Loss Column.

Colts had 3 turnovers. They coughed up more balls than a bulimic groupie.

Green Bay’s throwback uniforms were hideous. So congratulations St. Louis fans, the Rams offense was NOT the ugliest thing on the field.

Jimmy Carter was at the Panthers/Falcons game. When the Falcons heard there was going to be an ineffective leader there, they just thought it was Cam Newton.

49ers and Lions coaches Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz got into a heated argument after shaking hands. Did they coach a game or get divorced?
Schwartz didn’t like the way Harbaugh heavily celebrated when shaking his hand. Maybe they did get divorced.

The Cowboys lost yet again. After being hyped for so long, the Texas power keeps dropping. Maybe their Gatorade is being spiked by Rick Perry.

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulos.

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