Writings

Despite pressure from Republican donors, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie insists that he will not be running in the 2012 Presidential race. Supporters hope to boost his interest by somehow not using words like “race” and “running”.

Texas Governor Rick Perry this week said that if he’s elected president he would solve the problem of drug trafficking, illegal immigration and violence on the US-Mexican border. In other words, his running mate will be a genie lamp.

Since entering the Republican Presidential field in mid-August, Texas Governor Rick Perry has seen his comfortable lead in the polls vanish. The collapse should come as no surprise, since he’s taking advice from the Boston Red Sox.

A man on Long Island has created a new device which he says creates the perfect snowman. When he admitted that it doesn’t come with a carrot, kids everywhere said, “I’m sorry, a what?”

The man who is credited with creating Doritos died this week at the age of 97. He is survived by his children, grandchildren, and millions of orange-coated fingertips.

US Postal officials said this week that they plan to release a stamp in 2012 that will for the first time contain the image of a living person. Customers are encouraged to go online and vote for their favorite person to lose to Oprah.

New research suggests that women who drink 4 or more cups of coffee a day are 20 percent less likely to become depressed. In a related story, the biggest holiday gift idea is now an espresso machine-operated bathroom scale.

A 12 year-old cat in Massachusetts set a Guinness World Record this week for becoming the longest surviving cat with two faces. His secret to long life…having an owner without a red laser pointer.

A stack of 25 bricks of cocaine worth more than 1 million dollars washed up on shore this week near Cape Canaveral, Florida. Police knew it was cocaine when they saw fish in the area taking longer than normal bathroom breaks.

During an interview with 60 Minutes, New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly revealed that police in the city have the equipment to take down an aircraft. It’s a special weapon called the Canadian goose.

In response to international rankings that show US children lack basic science and math skills, the producers of Sesame Street this fall will introduce new segments focusing on science. One will feature The Count saying, “One bored student, ha ha ha! Two bored students, ha ha ha!”

Industry insiders are saying that one of the hottest toys for kids this Christmas will be Let’s Rock Elmo. One of the scariest toys…Lady Gaga Elmo.

A new study shows that the more references to sex in a song, the more likely it is to make the Billboard Top Ten. And the more the artist had to drink, the more likely it is to last there longer.

NASA officials said Monday that the 6 ton satellite that fell back to Earth last week most likely crashed in the Pacific Ocean, but that they “may never know.” Even more upsetting: hearing that NASA’s technology isn’t as good as OnStar’s.

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