Writings

The final Harry Potter film is out. Spoiler alert: he kills Voldemort, but he did it in Florida so he’s not guilty.

A Marine asked out Hollywood sexpot Mila Kunis on youtube. “You can do that?” said Anthony Weiner.

A woman in Texas gave birth to a 16-pound boy.
The afterbirth was an echo.
He became the first baby to not only leave a uterus, but also get his security deposit back.
Her boy was listed as healthy. Her vagina was listed as KIA.

President Obama made a phone call to the crew on board the space shuttle. He figured with them being that high up, maybe they could help push up the debt ceiling.

President Obama awarded the Medal of Honor this week. It’s not known if the recipient showed valor, or simply just ate his peas.

Indicating that the nation needs to make tough decisions, President Obama said we need to “eat our peas”. It’s truly an American moment when the President himself admits that eating vegetables is tough to do.

Officials at NASA said it’s a shame that the space shuttle era will soon be over. After all, outer space has provided us with everything from scientific research to Sarah Palin’s ideas.

Most of the U.S. is enduring a massive heat wave.
In fact, yesterday, Lady Gaga’s raw meat dress became Lady Gaga’s medium-well meat dress.
It was so hot, that for the first time ever, Roger Clemens didn’t say anything and his pants still caught on fire.

The Roger Clemens perjury trial began this week. The defense’s argument is largely ironic: lying to Congress requires huge balls, and Clemens certainly no longer has those.

Major League Baseball plans to expand the use of instant replay by the start of this year’s postseason. Or as the Mets call it… “by tee time”.

President Obama thanked the space shuttle for advancing our presence in space. After all, the faster we can colonize Mars, the faster he has more people to tax.

Netflix upset a lot of subscribers this week. Not only for dramatically raising their prices, but in order to make your experience more like an actual theatre, each rental will now come with a teenager constantly texting his friends throughout the whole movie.

A traveler managed to get a stun gun onto a JetBlue flight. Nobody was shocked.

A six-year-old girl in Illinois sank a hole-in-one. But come on…it was from the red tees.

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