Writings

Osama bin Laden is dead.

Pakistan officials claim they were not aware that bin Laden was located just 30 miles from their capital. Then, proving that Western culture is affecting their country, their pants caught on fire.

Upon hearing the news, many Americans declared it a time to celebrate. “What’s that mean?” said Cubs fans.

President Obama gave credit to our intelligence teams in finding the al Qaeda leader, but the truth is…bin Laden was tracked down because he had an iPad.

Some conspiracy theorists won’t believe bin Laden is dead until they see proof, either through video from the Navy Seals, or after the Grim Reaper tags his new photos on facebook.

Some crazy hats were seen in the crowd at the Royal Wedding. It’s not enough that they got more viewers than the Super Bowl, but they had to upstage Packer fans too?

Over 20 million Americans watched the Royal Wedding on TV. But only because they heard they could vote off Prince Charles.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt said that Major League Baseball’s takeover of the club is “unAmerican”. After all, the Dodgers are broke. What’s more American than that?

A new report shows that the U.S. leads the world in the number of single parents. Those calculations are probably incorrect, however, because we totally suck at math too.

President Obama and the First Lady appeared on Oprah. Where they politely asked if she could write China a check for 300 trillion dollars.

President Obama made several changes to his national security team. Leon Panetta will become head of the Pentagon, David Petraeus will head up the CIA, and Joe Biden is only allowed to watch war movies on Netflix.

President Obama released the long form of his birth certificate. Donald Trump said, “Just because you made it longer doesn’t mean it looks any better. Just ask my barber.”

The NFL Draft:
There were plenty of critics on hand in New York City for the NFL Draft.  Donald Trump even showed up asking if Cam Newton was born in America. 

The Patriots had five draft picks in the second round.  Coach Belichick had more decisions to make in one day than he does at a hoody sweatshirt sale. 

Cam Newton said he’s thrilled to be a Carolina Panther.  He may be lying though, because in the photo op, he held up a jersey that said, “I won the Heisman Trophy and all I got was this lousy shirt”. 

A record 12 defensive linemen were drafted in the first round.  It’s like the league traded half the draft picks to Ghadafi’s Palace. 

When Roger Goodell was at the podium, fans loudly chanted “We want football”. They got the idea for the chant by listening to fans of the New York Mets.

Many teams will get players to camp without signing them, so they can look at them on their own time, then probably release them again. Which is why part of Draft Day is sponsored by Netflix.

The Cowboys used their first pick on Tyron Smith. The offensive lineman is so big and so expensive, Dallas is already giving him the nickname “Jumbotron”.

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