Writings

On Sunday the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl XLV over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers later admitted that while studying game tape of the Packers, they really only cared about the commercials.

After nearly 400 fans were turned away at the Super Bowl because their seats were not ready, the NFL announced that it would refund those people triple the cost of their tickets. Football fans are shocked that after the Super Bowl, the word “refund” is used but has nothing to do with the Black Eyed Peas.

Many Chinese nationalists as well as Free Tibet supporters were angered Sunday by Groupon’s Super Bowl ad which featured Timothy Hutton mocking the loss of Tibetan autonomy while eating a cheap Tibetan meal. After all, they want a Free Tibet, not a Heavily Discounted Tibet.

Despite its popularity in online voting, officials in Fort Wayne, Indiana say they will not name a new government center after 1930s mayor Harry Baals because of the jokes it could inspire. Too bad, since the building is specially designed to drastically contract during cold weather.

An economics professor at MIT, who helped create President Obama’s health care plan, has announced that he is publishing a comic book to help explain its benefits. If that works, the President plans to teach Robert Gibbs the art of hand puppets.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was The Roommate, which made 15 million dollars but is getting bad reviews. Appropriately, people warned others not to go in the theatre by putting a sock on the doorknob.

A new Thai airline called PC Air has been hiring transsexuals as flight attendants. The airline is especially impressed with their ability to successfully stow oversize packages.

According to a new poll, if people could have one super power the most popular was a tie between time travel and the ability to read minds. Apparently, guys who took the poll did so immediately after their girlfriends got mad at them.

A new mobile phone app has been launched called “Confession: A Roman Catholic App,” which allows Catholics to keep a running tally of their sins and the amount of time since their last confession. The Pope is upset that the Church went with that idea over his “butt-dialer excommunication” app.

Two men in Florida who were trying to break into an apartment were scared off by two birds that sounded like people. Either those were parrots, or the men overheard two owls doing the worst ever impression of an Abbott and Costello routine.

Will there be an NFL season this year?
Please say no. Please say no. Oh sorry, I accidentally channeled Cincinnati fans just then.

The season remains up in the air. Things in the league are usually only this cloudy when it involves a Jay Cutler MRI.

Some players and their agents are calling the labor discussions a mess.
No kidding. Insiders said the new negotiator was hired by Hosni Mubarrak.
It’s rather amusing watching millionaires fight over money. It’s like watching a food fight at Kirstie Alley’s house.

A-Rod is upset that Fox showed Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn at the Super Bowl.
He was so embarrassed about being on TV, some people thought he played for the Mets.

You want to be with a woman without cameras around? Is Rodriguez Spanish for Roethlisberger?

Mock drafts are already out.
The Carolina Panthers know what “mock” means…that’s the word they use to describe their celebrations.

There’s a big question mark about what college player will be #1 in the upcoming draft.
It’s the first question mark Cam Newton has seen that didn’t follow the words, “how much”.

Redskins lineman Albert Haynesworth was charged with road rage. Now he knows how Redskins fans feel when they’re driving home after a game.

Redskins kick returner Brandon Banks was knifed Saturday. Better than getting spooned, said one Plaxico Burress.

Plaxico Burress’ agent said he’s in terrific shape for the NFL.
With a criminal record, maybe they’re talking about joining Raiders fans.

Oakland Raiders running back Michael Bush was charged with DUI. Cops knew he was drunk when he said that Al Davis was a great dude.

the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulos’ “Quick Snaps”.

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