Writings

Charlie Sheen is reportedly getting tips on sober living from Lindsay Lohan. Which is like Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak getting tips on nation leading from Lindsay Lohan.

It was reported that Charlie Sheen tried to hire a porn star to help take care of his two daughters. He did so after learning that at one point in her career, she was also seen on two and a half men.

Wal-Mart announced that it is abandoning plans to build a Supercenter near a Civil War battlefield in Virginia. Mostly because they don’t want their greeters having scary flashbacks.

A man in Germany won a Mini Cooper by having the word “Mini” tattooed on his penis. The catch: Once he drives a Mini-Cooper, nobody will ever see it.

China’s state-sponsored television channel was accused this week of using footage from the 1986 hit movie Top Gun in its news report about military training in the country. News channels in America did the same thing, only they used the volleyball scene to report the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

Egypt’s government on Wednesday restored internet service to the country. Just in time for picky protesters to find a new leader on plenty-of-fish.

The government of Malawi has announced plans to fine people who pass gas in public. And people, please…“If you smell something, say something”.

Scientists in Alabama have developed a remote control for dogs that uses a special harness and vibrations to get them to follow commands. We have vibrating dogs in New York already; they’re called Chihuahuas.

Citi Field, home to the New York Mets, has reportedly been selected to host the 2013 Major League All-Star Game. Since they’ll be the host team, Mets players don’t expect any problem getting decent seats.

The Obama administration on Monday released new federal dietary guidelines that say Americans can fight obesity by eating less sugar, fat and salt and more fish, fruits and vegetables. They also said we can fight the cold by staying warm, we can fight death by not dying, and we can fight the deficit by not spending money we don’t have, oh wait, scratch that last part!

New York City saw more snow last month than in any other January on record. It got so bad that at one point, the paparazzi thought Lady Liberty was one of Charlie Sheen’s lady friends.

Looters in Cairo this week seriously damaged two mummies at the Museum of Ancient Antiquities. How do we know they were seriously damaged? Because if they were only slightly damaged, they would be displayed at the Ancient Antiquities Outlet Mall.

The violent protests in Egypt have hurt the country’s vital tourism trade and is damaging their economy. Americans are in no position to tell other countries how to improve their economies, but if you want to improve tourism, Egypt, that Great Pyramid would make a killer water slide!

A new report shows that the number of illegal immigrants living in the US dropped in 2010, mainly because the poor economy did not make it worth the risk. Read more about it in Lou Dobbs’ new book, “The Silver Linings of a Poor Economy”.

Jeff Fisher resigned after 17 years as coach of the Titans.  It’s more of a shock to Nashville than the time they heard that Taylor Swift was considered country.

NFL Pro Bowl:
96 points were scored in the Pro Bowl.  Endzones were more popular than airports in Cairo.

A tropical rainstorm hit Honolulu before the game.  When he heard it was raining cats and dogs, Michael Vick instinctively said, “Not guilty!”

With over 49,000 in attendance, the game almost sold out.  It’s that “close but not quite” feel that made the Jets feel right at home.

Super Bowl jokes:
Halftime Show 
Sponsored by Bridgestone.  They should have sponsored the National Anthem, b/c when most people think of Christina Aguilera, they usually think about their brand of rubbers.
Slash showed up to play at halftime. But most thought it was Troy Polumalu with a guitar. 
That halftime show looked like an intense workout.  They should call themselves Black Eyed Pea-90-X.

Aguilera flubbed some of the words to the national anthem.  In her defense, if it were an easy song, she would have written it. 

President George W. Bush was in attendance.  He thought maybe those missing WMDs were in Brett Keisel’s beard.

This game included 27 players with experience.  Not with the Super Bow, but with Christina Aguilera. 

The NFC has now won 14 straight Super Bowl coin tosses.  From now on, teams will call either tails or cheese-heads.

A lot of players chose not to shave or cut their hair.  They became superstitious after seeing the Carolina Panthers break a dozen mirrors. 

A big NFL sponsor is Bud Light, whose motto is “Here We Go”.  They said they borrowed the line from Cincinnati Bengal fans trying to find the exits during halftimes. 

There was a commercial for a new movie coming out called “Cowboys and Aliens”.  Or what most people call “Everyday in Texas”. 

No cheerleaders on Sunday.  Wow, that also happens to be the title of Jay Cutler’s upcoming biography. 

Pittsburgh had 3 turnovers.  Ben Roethlisberger said they dropped the ball more than the District Attorney in Georgia. 

Cameras seemed to be everywhere!  Why don’t we play the Super Bowl in Afghanistan?  Maybe then we’ll finally see where bin Laden is. He’ll have to replace his turban for a cheesehead to try and fit in. 

Jet Blue Airlines carried the game on their flights.  They tried doing that when the Bills played in the Super Bowl, but they didn’t want to risk putting a bomb on board. 

Most of the above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulus’ Bleacher Report.

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