Writings

Andy Dick was removed from the Adult Video Awards ceremony in Las Vegas last weekend after he drunkenly harassed a porn star. The story almost went unnoticed when a headline for the Triple-X event simply said, “Dick Pulled Out”.

President Obama will deliver the State of the Union address to Congress on January 25th. Note to those attending: with John Boehner on the dais, anyone in the first three rows will get wet.

Organizers say that more than 3000 people in New York City participated in Sunday’s 10th annual “No Pants Subway Ride.” The bad news: only a thousand of them actually knew there was something called “No Pants Subway Ride”.

In a new poll, two-thirds of pet owners say that their animals have a sixth sense about bad weather. Unfortunately, none of those people are willing to loan their pets to Mayor Bloomberg.

In a new poll, 43 percent of pet owners say that their animals can sense bad news. Which is a nice way of saying that of all the pet owners who turn on “Spitzer Parker”, 43 percent have animals that get up and leave the room.

Rapper 50 Cent tweeted about a stock and its value rose 290 percent. Dear Fiddy, please tweet about the U.S. Dollar. Yours Truly, China.

After his tweet about a stock raised its value 290 percent, rapper 50 Cent reportedly made a ton of dough. Like, over 800 million cent.

A new study of college students finds that they favor self-esteem boosting praise over sex, drinking or money. New pickup line at a frat party: “Hi. I’m Tony Robbins, Jr.”

According to the National Weather Service, on Wednesday there was snow on the ground in every state but Florida. In a related story, Michael Bloomberg has formally asked Miami if they would like a new mayor.

A new 36 million dollar museum was opened in Florida this week dedicated to the work of surrealist painter Salvador Dali. Unfortunately for visitors, however, parking space designs are dedicated to the work of Jackson Pollock.

It’s becoming more possible that the NFL will see work stoppage next year. Which means Cam Newton could see a pay cut. 

Green Bay Packers beat the Atlanta Falcons:
New mascot in Green Bay is now General Sherman.
The only thing Atlanta fans saw beat was the traffic.
Only sustained drive that Atlanta fans saw was on I-75. 

Pittsburgh over Baltimore
The Pittsburgh Steelers are in the Championship Game, or what the Pittsburgh Pirates call “Narnia”.

Ben Roethlisberger has now won his last 7 starts against Baltimore. The Ravens are becoming a sure thing for Ben. In fact, he now just calls the Ravens “a bunch of drunk chicks”. 

Heinz Field is on its 3rd grass surface this season. Do they make ketchup or Rogaine?

One analyst described the Steelers/Ravens game as “caveman football”…which is football as it was when Joe Paterno played. 

The above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulus’s Bleacher Report.

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