Writings

After posting secret government documents, the website WikiLeaks claimed to suffer an electronic attack causing most people to find its contents “unreadable”. As a result, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is now being charged with plagiarizing Sarah Palin’s book.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was added to Interpol’s most wanted list Tuesday after Sweden issued a new arrest warrant for rape. Now he hopes that someone leaks the number to Roman Polanski’s lawyer.

President Obama suffered a busted lip after being elbowed during a basketball game last week. Officials think they know who did it, but conspiracy theorists demand to see the Zapruder game tapes.

President Obama on Sunday returned to playing basketball with his two daughters, just days after he was elbowed in the mouth during a game with friends. Which is the equivalent of taking a shellacking from Republicans in November, then challenging “The Rent is Too Damn High Party” to a debate.

A man in Sweden has created the gutPod, which is an inch-long pill with batteries and a radio receiver, that when swallowed can turn a person’s stomach into a jukebox. Just in time for the holidays, now you can not only pull your uncle’s finger, you can make requests.

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco announced this week that he is engaged to model Evelyn Lozada. Because while playing football in Cincinnati, this is really the only chance he has of getting a ring.

Google is reportedly considering buying Groupon, the online coupon company, for an estimated 6 billion dollars. They plan to get it for 3 billion dollars, however, on “Double Groupon Day”.

A magnitude 3.9 earthquake hit about 80 miles off of Long Island on Tuesday, which is the strongest earthquake to hit the New York area in 18 years. According to some residents, Long Island shook so hard, fists actually pumped themselves.

During the first preview performance of the 65 million dollar Broadway show “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” the show was stopped five times due to technical difficulties. The problems occurred when at five times, Peter Parker tried to make an iPhone call using AT&T.

Imprisoned wide receiver Plaxico Burress said he’s looking forward to finishing his sentence. And since he’s a professional athlete, it’s safe to assume he’ll finish it with “you know what I’m sayin?”.

Brett Favre thought he had pneumonia but the team doctor said it’s a sinus infection. Pneumonia/Sinuses. Text Messages/Harrassment Evidence. To-may-to/To-mah-to.

The NFL is showing concern over the increasing number of neck injuries. Not players, but fans who uncontrollably nod off during Lions games.

The Steelers’ James Harrison was penalized for another helmet-to-helmet hit. The only athlete to have more illegal hits….Michael Phelps.

The Broncos apologized to the 49ers for illegally taping one of their practices. Is that even illegal? It’s kinda like stealing a battle plan from France.

The above jokes were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulus’s “Bleacher Report”.

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