Writings

President Obama on Sunday told Republicans that the era of “just say no” is over. Unless the question is “Will you please leave, Mrs. Pelosi?”

George W. Bush on Tuesday broke ground on his Presidential Library in Dallas. According to his personal blueprints, there’s a way in, but there’s not much of an exit plan.

Officials with George W. Bush’s Presidential Library are considering displaying the infamous “Mission Accomplished“ banner. They confirmed that if they do, they will display it at least 6 years before the library is completed.

Singer Pink announced this week that she is pregnant. Unless she accidentally confused the test strip with her ID.

A new study shows that 17 percent of Americans have had sex at work. Leading many out-of-work Americans to post their resumes on craigslist.

It was reported this week that Sarah Palin’s 16 year-old daughter Willow used an anti-gay slur on Facebook after someone posted a disparaging comment about her sister Bristol’s performance on Dancing with the Stars. She admits now that using such a slur after a ballroom dancing comment is more than a little redundant.

An official with the Vatican TV Center said that they will now begin broadcasting the Pope in HD, and that they will soon broadcast him in 3D as well. The downside: when the Apocalypse happens, Catholics are now going to think, “This was totally done on green screen.”

The head of the TSA testified before Congress this week and acknowledged that the new pat-downs are more invasive than what travelers were used to in the past. He even said that now it’s not just pilots who will warn passengers when they’re starting their descent.

The first sex-shop in the US with a drive-thru window was opened this week in Alabama. It’s also the only drive-thru in the US that actually admits to selling imitation meat.

A new vending machine has been developed in Tokyo that uses state-of-the-art facial recognition technology to decide what customers would like and even makes suggestions. It marvels anyone who uses it, until they try to get the dollar-bill reader to recognize a wrinkled George Washington.

The Chilean miners are planning a visit to Universal Studios in Hollywood. It makes sense…if they’re used to waiting around for months doing nothing, they’re going to love the line to the Jurassic Park ride.

A judge in Florida has ordered that Wesley Snipes turn himself in ASAP. Not for tax evasion, but for planning to make another Blade movie.

The Gettysburg Address turned 147 years old this week. We know that because Abraham Lincoln wrote it on the back of Larry King’s birth certificate.

More and more people think airport screenings are too invasive. Usually when people feel violated at the airport, it’s when they pay twenty bucks for a sandwich.

Some experts think airport body scanners expose people to high levels of radiation. So much so, Brett Favre’s junk grew thumbs and now sends his own text messages.

Tiger Woods is now using Twitter and facebook. In other words…strip clubs have WiFi now.

President Obama said he hopes for civil discourse in Washington. So he’s naming a director of civil discourse…magical wizard Harry Potter.

The new Harry Potter movie is out. He’s done with school, so this movie is about how to use magic in this economy to get a job.

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