Writings

Halloween Weekend in the NFL

Buffalo Bills fans were seen on Halloween dressed as mythical entities: Bigfoot, space aliens, and the Lombardi Trophy.

Brett Favre really got into the Halloween spirit. He was overheard asking a female reporter if she liked bobbing for “apples”.

Zombie fans gathered in Texas to see the walking dead. They were disappointed when they realized it was just the Cowboys playoff chances.

Other NFL news:

Brett Favre left the game at New England after suffering a nasty cut to the chin. He said he didn’t expect to get cut that badly at Gillette Stadium. Knicked, maybe.

The 49ers won in London. Team officials said they play so well in foreign lands, they’re looking forward to playing in Miami.

Despite a poor performance and a nagging ankle injury, Brett Favre started his 292nd consecutive game. To put that in perspective, when he started his first game, he was promoting Wrangler parachute pants.

An injured Tony Romo watched his backup throw four picks. But he wasn’t surprised…because you can’t spell Jon Kitna without I-N-T.

Oakland has scored 92 points the past two weeks. Football fans are shocked, because for once the hardest thing to defend in California isn’t Charlie Sheen.

In other news:

Actor Charlie Sheen was removed from New York’s Plaza Hotel Monday after he went on a wild rampage and caused 7000 dollars worth of damage to the hotel’s famed Eloise suite, named for the beloved children’s book. He claimed it was just an adverse reaction after eating in the Green Eggs and Ham Suite.

A new gel is being developed as a possible replacement for the birth control pill, which is taken by rubbing it on the body. It’s 100 percent effective when guys rub it on, because they don’t need a partner.

A new survey shows that 73 percent of women do not mind being called a cougar. But only because it’s too confusing to have two C-words.

Paul the Octopus, the animal that predicted World Cup soccer results this summer, died on Tuesday. He’s expected to receive a 21-vuvuzela salute.

A man in Australia has set a new world record for collecting 26 years of his navel lint in jars. For the first time ever on Halloween, the lady who hands out apples isn’t the least popular house in the neighborhood.

A college student at the University of Maryland is trying to get Quidditich, the game from the Harry Potter series, recognized as an official sport by the NCAA. The NCAA replied that they only recognize magic and fantasy when choosing who plays for the national football championship.

Brett Favre this week admitted to leaving voicemails while trying to seduce an ex-model two years ago, but he insisted that he never texted her pictures of his genitals. A big, blurry stiff-arm, maybe. But never his genitals.

As part of a promotion for the upcoming AMC series “The Walking Dead,” people in 26 cities dressed as zombies during the morning commute. Most of them, however, admit they were just normal people doing the walk of shame.

*Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and to Costaki Economopoulus.

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