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President Obama on Monday criticized the Republican “Pledge to America,” saying that it is “not a serious approach.” Republicans responded by renaming it “The New and Improved, Lemon-Scented Pledge to America”.

After initially objecting to her religious head covering, Disneyland has agreed to allow a Muslim employee at its California park to wear a specially-designed head scarf. The employee is thrilled, since with the new head scarf, she is now tall enough to ride Space Mountain.

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the FDA’s approval of the pill known as RU-486. It also marked the one-year anniversary of the pregnancy test known as “OMG-WTF”.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”. Coming in a close second…”Freddy Kruger: Nightmare Broker”.

While speaking in New Mexico on Tuesday, President Obama said “the precepts of Jesus Christ” helped him envision the kind of life he wanted to lead. In other words, you can’t believe in changing Washington without believing in miracles.

“Big Bang Theory” actress Kaley Cuoco revealed this week that she had a secret relationship with co-star Johnny Galecki, but that the two eventually broke up after she discovered the bang was actually quite small.

Car maker Mini is under federal investigation because as many as 80,000 Mini Coopers could have faulty power steering, totally preventing drivers from avoiding friends who don’t know they drive a Mini Cooper.

During an appearance on the Today Show Monday, President Obama said that it “makes sense” to extend the school year by a month, noting that students in this country can’t vote anyway, so who cares.

A new study shows that only 5.4 percent of French people belong to a health club or gym. Which is interesting, since 100 percent of tourists believe that French people smell like they just got out of a health club or gym.

Lucasfilm announced Tuesday that starting in 2012, they will re-release all the Star Wars films in 3-D. Fans will finally see their favorite characters up close, unless of course their favorite characters are dates.

**The above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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