Writings

It was recently revealed that Tea Party member Christine O’Donnell, the Republican candidate for Senate in Delaware, admitted in the 1990s that she once “dabbled in witchcraft”. Only back then they called it, “home remedies without health insurance”.

A woman in Louisiana last week stripped naked and stole a taxi cab. Apparently she wanted to show the cabbie that yes, in fact the carpet does match the beaded seat cushion.

A man was arrested in Chicago on Monday for placing a fake bomb near Wrigley Field. Cubs fans knew it wouldn’t go off, because it was shaped like a champagne cork.

The federal government on Sunday declared BP’s Gulf oil well officially dead. But not before BP strategically placed a gun in the oil well’s hand to make it look like a suicide.

In a recent interview with Jon Stewart, former President Clinton said today’s economy is like the one he faced in 1994, but “on steroids”. Which totally disproves Roger Clemens’ theory that you can’t talk openly about drugs after lying under oath.

A new study shows that bullying is becoming more prevalent through cell phone and online forums. Although traumatized, victims have to admit…it’s way easier to deposit their milk money into someone’s paypal account.

Hertz Car Rental in New York this week announced that they will expand their fleet by adding the electric car Nissan LEAF. Insurance will cover damages from collision, vandalism, and rakes.

The New York Yankees on Monday unveiled a plaque in Monument Park to honor George Steinbrenner, the owner of the team who passed away this summer. In a related story, the Mets posthumously recognized their playoff chances.

Former USC running back Reggie Bush returned his 2005 Heisman Trophy amid NCAA findings that he should have been ineligible that season. USC is thrilled that one of their former running backs lost his Heisman and not a single person was killed this time.

A new study shows that a strain of a virus that causes colds may also contribute to obesity in children. Now available over the counter: Robitussin Slim Fast.

A high school in Ohio has installed a vending machine that only dispenses carrots. The move finally provides an alternative for girls who can’t get prom dates.

It was reported this week that Marine barracks at Camp Lejeune in North Carolina have been infested with bed bugs. They have been infested before, but the Marines finally lifted their policy of Don’t Scratch, Don’t Tell.

*Most of the above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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