Writings

The top commander in Afghanistan, General Stanley McCrystal, has been recalled. Because the brakes on the war were apparently made by Toyota.

General McCrystal has resigned as top commander in Afghanistan after making unflattering remarks about the Obama administration in Rolling Stone Magazine. In order to expedite a full troop withdrawal, the Taliban is politely asking Rolling Stone to interview all the troops.

General McCrystal said that normally he would resign by submitting his two-weeks notice, but it’s a bad precedent to set timelines.

Apple’s iPhone 4 has finally hit stores. AT & T stock immediately went up, which is the exact opposite direction of their signal.

The American who tried to hunt down Osama bin Laden said he was on a Rambo-style mission. After listening to him mumble incoherently, one thing’s for sure…he definitely likes to imitate Stallone.

An elementary school in Massachusetts is making condoms available to kids in first through sixth grade. Furthermore, in arts and crafts class, they’re knitting a quilt to remember all past victims of cooties.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton is in hot water for posting racy images of 17-year-old Miley Cyrus. Even more shocking, Perez has inappropriate photos of an underage celebrity whose name isn’t Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber has been described as a “one-man Beatles”. He’s flattered by the new title, unlike Yoko Ono, who by default is now the “mayor of Cougar Town”.

After sneaking into their locker room, Lady Gaga has been ordered to stay as far away from the New York Yankees as possible. So she joined the Orioles.

After it was reported that he had been shot, rapper “The Game” said that he is very much alive and well. But only because a soccer ref astonishingly called the shot no good.

The U.S. soccer team advanced to the next round of the World Cup. Unfortunately, so did those annoying horns.

Larry King hosted a celebrity telethon to raise money for oil spill victims. In an embarrassing moment, he tried to clean the oil off of six animals until he was told it was the cast of Jersey Shore.

At Wimbledon, John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut in a match that lasted a total of 11 hours and 5 minutes. To get an idea of how long that is, right when it seemed like it would never end, BP’s Tony Hayward went to a yacht race.

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