Writings

Britain’s new Prime Minister David Cameron, who is 43, became the country’s youngest head of state in nearly 200 years. He assured England that his age is not an issue, then he conducted an opinion poll asking “Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

The Republican Party on Wednesday selected Tampa, Florida as the site of its 2012 presidential nominating convention, beating out Phoenix, which everyone agreed is politically risky and Salt Lake City, which everyone agreed has no decent strip clubs.

A sorority at Miami University of Ohio went wild at a spring formal, with students urinating in sinks, scrambling over the bar for drinks and having sex. The sorority is not only suspended, but is also being sued by Lindsay Lohan for using her likeness without permission.

A man in Nebraska, dubbed the “toilet paper bandit,” who wrapped his face in toilet paper before robbing a bank, was arrested this week. Just as their wives expected, the cops just left him on the floor next to the jail, assuming the next person would actually put him in.

If Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination is confirmed, it would be the first time in the court’s history that three women are on the bench at the same time. It will also mean that when the Court writes an opinion, it could use the argument, “If you don’t know why I’m mad, then I’m not telling.”

Stephen Hawking last week published an article offering three theoretically realistic ideas for traveling through time. He admitted that they would never work, though, because they all involve BP and an underwater dome.

PBS announced that this fall it will air a follow-up to the Ken Burns epic documentary “Baseball” called “The Tenth Inning.” To prove how committed they are to the sport, PBS will let a cop taser Big Bird.

The June edition of Playboy magazine will feature a 3-D centerfold. It marks the first time an adult magazine will require glasses before looking at it.

A new study shows that a mother’s voice alone can release calming hormones in her children. Researchers admit that the study has a margin of error of +/- Kate Gosselin.

While giving a commencement speech at Hampton University in Virginia on Sunday, President Obama warned that high-tech devices such as the iPad, are straining American democracy because they allow information to become a form of entertainment rather than a tool of empowerment. Apple agreed and immediately unveiled its new product, the iTeleprompter.

The above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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