Writings

Scientists in Kazakhstan have invented the world’s first “pork detector.” It’s the perfect gift for hardcore Jews, Muslims, and beergogglers.

The Obama Administration this week blamed the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico on BP. Or as Joe Biden calls them, B “F” P.

Times Square in New York City was evacuated last Saturday night after a car bomb was discovered on a side street. It would have gone unnoticed if not for the suspect conducting a very premature New Year’s Eve countdown.

Severe flooding this week has put most of Nashville, TN underwater. Meanwhile, the Country Music Hall of Fame welcomed an unlikely newcomer: Phish.

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick signed a bill on Monday that prohibits bullying in school. Bullies will instead retrieve other kids’ lunch money through a special emergency bailout.

This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the FDA’s approval of the birth control pill. They would have celebrated earlier, but they wanted to build up suspense by being a little late.

David Boreanaz, the star of “Bones”, told People magazine that he has been cheating on his wife of nearly nine years. In response, Fox will change the name of the show to “Bones Around”.

This week, to protest the new immigration law in Arizona, the Phoenix Suns wore uniforms with the name of their team in Spanish. They also referred to free throw shooting as a “job that Americans won’t do”.

According to a new survey 54 percent of Catholics in America think that Pope Benedict is out of touch with the needs of Catholics today. While 46 percent felt uncomfortable answering a question that included the words “Pope” and “touch”.

According to recent documents, it is estimated that Facebook is now worth 20 billion dollars. The appraisal was made right after it was poked by Goldman Sachs.

The above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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