Writings

Disgraced former Representative Eric Massa on Tuesday admitted that he did grope a male staffer, but insisted that it was just during a tickle fight. One thing’s for sure: health care will never be reformed when the people in charge believe the words “grope” and “tickle” are interchangeable.

A pet shop owner in New York City says he owns a fish that is 43 years old and weighs 20 pounds. Marine biologists call it “Lindsay Lohan in 20 years”.

It was unveiled Monday that the design for this year’s official New York City condom wrapper is the power symbol for a computer. As for the condoms themselves, they will be referred to as “pop-up blockers”.

According to recent surveys the number of people in America who think that marijuana should be legalized has gone from 54 percent in 1969 to 84 percent today. It’s all part of a new report entitled, “Census Data the Government Will Totally Ignore”.

Researchers have created a Formula 3 racecar that is fueled by chocolate and can reach speeds of 135 miles per hour. Experts believe that if chocolate becomes an efficient fuel source, the U.S. will someday invade Kirstie Alley’s house.

A new report shows that only about 40 percent of Americans get a good night’s sleep on most nights. In a related study, about 40 percent of Americans have gotten laid off and can sleep in.

The Smithsonian Institution last week rejected the suit that OJ Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman. Because when you read the case and learn that OJ walked free, it really belongs in a Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

It was reported Monday that a commonly used weed killer can turn male frogs into females. Scientists were made aware of the problem when they were invited to a “Bachelor Season Finale Party” at Kermit’s house.

Residents of Ottawa, Canada want to adopt a gender-neutral version of the country’s national anthem. To show they’re serious, they even tucked back the stem on the flag’s maple leaf.

Police in New Jersey have ordered a family that created a snowman in the shape of a naked woman to cover it up. As well as the one of a creepy Frosty handing her a dollar.

The superintendent of a school in Montana, who is also a Civil War re-enactor, says he was showing students his black powder muzzleloader during a history lesson when he accidentally fired the weapon into a classroom wall. No word if he’ll lose his job, but he is being summoned to Appomattox Courthouse.

New York City is considering replacing street trash cans with solar-powered compactors. Critics say that mixing the sun with garbage will only make tourists confuse the Big Apple for New Jersey.

The New York woman whose husband used her breast milk to make cheese for his restaurant defended the actions saying “I eat healthier than your average cow and I’m not pumped full of steroids!” Very suspicious statement, seeing as she leads the New Mom’s League in home runs.

*The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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