Writings

President Obama on Monday proposed ending NASA’s return-to-the-moon program. Before the plug is pulled, NASA will radically speed up another trip to the moon by replacing all rocket boosters with Toyota gas pedals.

Andrew Young, the former aide to John Edwards, said this week that the sex tape he has of Edwards with his mistress is not for sale. Well, technically, he said there’s no money shot. So who knows?

Because groundhogs are not common to Alaska, Sarah Palin, while she was governor, signed a law making February 2nd Marmot Day in the state. Same concept, except if a marmot sees its shadow, winter lasts just half its term.

Newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown told Barbara Walters that he would not be where he is today if hadn’t posed nude in Cosmopolitan Magazine in 1982. Aspiring politicians take note: to get into office, you could take a poll, or you could just show one off.

A Canadian company is selling “Tail of the Tiger” golf balls, which each feature a portrait of one of his mistresses. Be careful where you play with them, however, because they could totally wreck your home.

Sarah Palin called for the resignation of President Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel after he reportedly called liberal activists “f—ing retarded” last summer. Palin said she wasn’t sure if she was more upset at the word or that she agreed with how Rahm Emanuel felt about liberal activists.

On Tuesday the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of Republicans ridiculing Al Gore.

Officials with the Obama administration confirmed Monday that the 9/11 terror trials will no longer be held in New York City. Not because of security or business concerns, but because watching the Knicks could be considered torture.

To mark World AIDS Day, France has created the world’s largest condom, which is 120 feet tall and will be filled with helium and flown around the world. Its flight will end in China, home to the world’s largest wallet.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was caught on tape at the Pro-Bowl this past weekend flipping off some Miami Dolphins fans. Now available in the Jets gift shop: same old foam, different giant finger.

New Orleans Hornets point guard Chris Paul will have knee surgery.  Nice to see an NBA star that has the normal kind of joint issues.

Many players in the NFL Pro Bowl said they were upset that the game wasn’t played in Hawaii as it usually is.  But the game was in Miami, so they said it was a nice change to leave the country.

Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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