Writings

A new report shows that the recession has resulted in an increase in liquor sales. Alcohol distributors said, “This recession is the best thing to happen to us.” “Ditto,” said fat chicks.

The Saints are in the Super Bowl for the first time ever.  But it’s only official, of course, when they hear from the Vatican.

President Obama has yet to say who he’s rooting for in the Super Bowl. The sports world eagerly awaits, because if recent contests in Virginia, New Jersey and Massachusetts tell us anything, it’s that he sure knows how to pick ‘em.

Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Tim Tebow will be featured in a Super Bowl ad that speaks out against abortion. Note to NFL defenses next year: when Tebow runs the option, he’s always going to keep it.

In an effort to curb the growing budget deficit, President Obama will ask Congress to freeze spending for some domestic programs. He expects spending to be so frozen, he’ll dare Glenn Beck to lick a Congress pole.

At a ceremony at the White House, the LA Lakers presented President Obama with a team jersey. In turn, he got them to teach White House security how to play better zone defense.

A new law has been proposed in China that would jail people for up to 15 days for eating dog or cat meat. The combo platter at the Panda King Shanghai now comes with an egg roll, a fortune cookie, and a defense lawyer.

Brett Favre says he’ll wait to decide whether or not to retire.  After all, hasty decisions usually lead to things like interceptions and Wranglers.

Google is planning to leave China.  Well that’s what they said.  Then some condescending dick asked, “Did you mean…India?”

Many believe President Obama has a hard time reading how Americans truly feel.  So he’s asking voters to write their concerns on a teleprompter.

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and “This Just In” joke app (you should subscribe to that).

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