Writings

The US was hit with record cold temperatures this weekend. Even worse, it was revealed that Old Man Winter got in simply by saying he was a guest at the White House.

President Obama on Tuesday promised that further steps would be taken to toughen airline security in the wake of the Christmas Day bombing attempt. To expedite check-in, future passengers are encouraged to put all liquids in a plastic bag, wear slip-on shoes, and go commando.

According to a new biography on Warren Beatty, the actor has slept with over 12,000 women. He calls it “a gross exaggeration”. Tiger Woods calls it “August”.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex in New York City closed Sunday just a year after opening. It will now be referred to as “The House that a-ha Built”.

Many people are upset that the 2010 Census form uses the term “Negro” under the race question. Also offended…wannabes from Jersey listed as “Wegro”.

A man in Iowa this week used manure to spell out the message “Happy Birthday, Love You” to his wife. He originally had an “I” placed before “Love”, but there was of course a vowel movement.

A new study warns that America’s obesity epidemic has become as big a threat to people’s heath as smoking. In response to the report, the Surgeon General has court martialed Captain Crunch and Colonel Sanders.

Edwina, the oldest duck in England, died last week at the age of 22. After much debate, his family finally had him euthanized with an old Nintendo Zapper gun.

A hotel made entirely out of ice has opened in Romania, in which guests even sleep in ice beds. It’s called the Howard Shrunken Johnson.

According to a new study, researchers say that there is no physical evidence that women have a G-spot. But in the right conditions, they do have an OMG-spot.

Peyton Manning won his fourth MVP award. In a showing of hilarious irony, the NFL plans on calling an audible right before giving it to him.

Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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