Writings

Topicals December #3


December 28th, 2009

I saw the movie “Brothers”.  Very misleading.  The entire cast is white.

A scientist in Britain claims that angels found on top of Christmas trees could never actually fly because their wings aren’t strong enough.  Oh, and they have a tree coming out of their butt.  There’s also that.

A new study (from Case Western Reserve) found that being overweight makes you look older.  That explains why the rest of the world thinks the average American is 200 years old.

The 54 employees, 30 adults and 20 children stranded at a department store in England were provided with food and a place to sleep in the bed department.  Good thing, because if they weren’t given basic needs, they would have taken the owners to food court.

Researchers have created a machine that can translate thoughts into speech.  It’s called a margarita mixer.

President Obama surprised a group of children at a Boys and Girls Club in Washington, D.C. with a basket of cookies and a Christmas Story.  He asked them if they’ve been good, if they deserved cookies, and that they should hit the books and do their math.  It was the first speech ever written by Joe Biden.

The Air Force is planning to deliver new spy planes to Afghanistan by Christmas that can take video, still photos and eavesdrop.  It appears that the U.S. Air Force is now working for TMZ.

About 800 flights at New York City’s three major airports were cancelled this weekend because of the weather.  It was so messed up, they officially changed the name from JFK to WTF.

President Obama said that the agreement reached at the climate change conference was a political statement and not a legally binding treaty.  Just like Tiger Woods’ marriage license.

In an interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says the Democratic Party is still the “hip hop party”.  He pointed out that just like a hip hop artist, Bill Clinton also wore pants that didn’t stay up.

Astronomers are predicting that an asteroid has a 1 in 250,000 chance of crashing into Earth in April 2029.  To put that in space perspective, those are the same odds an Avatar fan has of landing a date this week.

A sixth-grade teacher in Canada was transferred to another school after he accidentally taped over a health video and showed 30 students a porno.  Meanwhile, the school’s guidance counselor is busy talking students out of their sudden interest in being plumbers and pizza delivery boys.

The above were also submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  SNL was on hiatus.  No animals were harmed in the writing of these jokes.

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