Writings

Labor Day is on Monday.  Most Americans will celebrate by taking a break from standing in the unemployment line.

Chris Brown said that Oprah “could have been more helpful” after his incident with Rihanna, and that her episode on domestic abuse was a “slap in the face”.  Let that be a lesson to him.  The next time he wants to slap someone in the face, he should just make her watch Oprah.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is reportedly spreading rumors that his Lieutenant Governor, Andre Bauer, is gay.  It started when Bauer said, “I would never cheat on my wife” to which Sanford replied, “Dude, that is so gay.”

Astronomers in Britain discovered a new black hole in the universe – a billion times larger than the sun.  Then they realized their telescope was just pointed at the Octomom’s crotch.

A taxi cab caught fire and exploded yesterday morning in New York.  The cabbie said that making his taxi go up in flames was simply an homage to the New York Mets’ playoff chances.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Levi Johnston said he would consider posing for Playgirl magazine if it would get him out of Alaska.  However, he admitted that spending so much time in bitter cold Alaska has made him very “under-qualified” to be in Playgirl.

The new first lady of Japan – Miyuki Hatoyama – wrote in a book that while she was asleep, her soul “rode on a UFO and went to Venus.”  Coincidentally, at the end of the book, you can use the last page to make an origami coo-coo bird.

Oprah Winfrey will dedicate her September 16 show to Michael Jackson.  But only because they wouldn’t let her go to his funeral and say, “Okay, everyone look under your seats.”

A new study from Arbor Networks finds that 11 p.m. Eastern Time is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the US.  And 11:05 p.m. is the most popular time to call Google and ask why the hell gmail is down.

Police in Maryland arrested a man after he offered to pay for gas with marijuana.  He would have gotten away with it, but he was caught trying to cram a Ziploc bag into the credit card reader.

“Sex and The City 2” began filming in New York.  Actually, Eliot Spitzer announced he was running for office again, but same thing.

The wildfires near Los Angeles doubled on Monday to 134 square miles – with only 5 percent contained.  City residents said they will deal with the fires like they do with anything they don’t like…by blatantly ignoring them while acting like they’re talking on their cell phones.

A new report from the Radiation Research Trust finds that cell phone users have an increased risk of brain tumors.  Which means that by next year, “I’m getting a brain tumor” will replace “I’m driving through a tunnel” as the #1 excuse to get off the phone with your girlfriend.

Almost 13,000 people in Mexico broke the world record on Saturday for most people simultaneously dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.  Having that many brainless zombies in one place also made Mexico the world’s largest bachelorette party.

The above have been submitted to National Lampoon’s Sports Minute and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

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