Writings

Of all the jokes I submitted to Jimmy Fallon, This Just In iPhone app, and National Lampoon’s Sports Minute this week (SNL Weekend Update had the week off), these were my faves. Hope you enjoy!

Halloween is here! This year, instead of saying “Boo!” to scare victims, ghosts are now just showing people their retirement savings.

The New York City Marathon is on Sunday. Runners will know they’ve covered 26 miles in New York when they pass 138 Starbucks.

Last weekend, the College of William and Mary elected its first transgender homecoming queen. The school is even thinking of changing its name to the College of William and/or Mary.

Jessica Simpson said in a new interview with “Extra” that she is looking for a spiritual, intellectual and artistic man. In other words, her exact opposite.

In one of Spain’s largest drug busts ever, police seized 160,000 fake Viagara pills. The country has already reported a loss of 160,000 fake orgasms.

Senators from New York and Pennsylvania are making a wager on the World Series:  If the Yankees win, Senators Charles Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand get Philadelphia cheesesteaks.  And if the Phillies win, Senators Arlan and Robert Casey will get cheesecake from Junior’s. Cheesesteaks or cheesecake. Either way, it’s a great way to tell America that you’re serious about healthcare.

The U.N. announced that it will start text messaging food vouchers to Iraqi refugees on their cell phones. Nice to know that refugees who can’t afford food…have cell phones!!!

President Obama played golf with Melody Barnes – his chief domestic policy advisor — and his first female golfing companion since taking office.  No wonder he thinks he’s closer to reform. He’s on the red tees!

President Obama has played golf more during his first nine months in office than President George W. Bush did in almost 3 years. It evens out, though, because whenever President Bush hit a sand trap, he had no exit strategy.

For the first time in 39 years, organizers of this Sunday’s New York City Marathon will hand out hand sanitizer to help prevent the spread of swine flu. Catching the swine flu during a marathon is just like catching it at any other time, only you get “the runs”.

A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. She will have to pay a fine, however, since her water broke but failed to fit in a 3-ounce container.

A man in Virginia was arrested and charged with indecent exposure for brewing coffee naked in his own home. Witnesses said he’s tall, but definitely not venti.

ESPN fired Steve Phillips. But he was quickly hired as a scout for Dave Letterman.

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