Writings

The below jokes were among my personal favorites that I submitted last week to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, the National Lampoon Sports Minute, and the iPhone “This Just In” app.

While President Obama on Saturday pledged to end the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, he gave no specific timetable for when it would happen. It was a good sign, however, when he ordered the U.S. Mint to finally make a three-dollar bill.

The New York City Council on Wednesday approved a bill banning the sale of all candy-flavored tobacco products. Totally legal, however, Marlboro-flavored Skittles!

Many people thought that the “balloon boy” incident in Colorado was a hoax from the beginning. Then again, they also thought the parents were joking when they named their kid “Falcon”, so what do they know?

The father of “balloon boy” Falcon Heene is an avid weather chaser.  He better be.  Because here comes Hurricane Nancy Grace.

A new Gallup poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Ironically, the poll was conducted during a 3 A.M. phone call.

President Obama made his first official visit as president to New Orleans earlier today. You can see it all in the new video “Presidents Gone Wild”.

The White House denied reports that the First Dog, Bo Obama, had an accident on Air Force One.   But it confirmed reports that the President occasionally smacks Joe Biden with a rolled up newspaper.

One of the nation’s largest drug manufacturers (Sanofi Pasteur) said yesterday that children under 10 may need two doses of the swine flu vaccine to be fully protected. Or one dose in a very long needle to get through all the fat.

Police in upstate New York had to transport an obese drug dealer to jail in an ambulance because he was too big for a cop car. So cross heroin off the list of charges.

More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding. Or as Utah calls it, a wedding.

NBC News reported that a White House adviser said that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration – “need to take off their pajamas” and get dressed. In other words, at least act like you still have a job to go to.

The 80th annual New York City Columbus Day Parade was last week. Ironically, with traffic in Manhattan, it took the same amount of time as Columbus’s original voyage.

Israel threatened yesterday to attack Iran if nuclear sanctions are not in place by Christmas. They would have said Hanukkah, but they don’t want to give Iran eight separate warnings.

Ratings for the WNBA Finals on ESPN were up 73% this year over last year. In other words, remote controls broke in 73% more homes than they did last year.

Ratings for the baseball playoffs increased from 4.3 million viewers in 2008 to 4.8 million this year. Ratings will now be tested for steroids.

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