Writings

The jokes below are some of my personal favorites of what I submitted last week to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

A spokesperson for Playgirl said this week that Levi Johnston recently posed for the online magazine, but he did not give them full frontal nudity. Johnston later explained that unlike the Palin family, he’s not willing to showcase his nutbag.

During his first visit to China, President Obama on Monday criticized the country’s policies saying “I’m a big supporter of non-censorship.” Then he added, “Until you get Fox News.”

Senator Patrick Leahy, who is the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, defended the Obama administration’s decision to try the 9/11 conspirators in civilian court saying that it would demonstrate the “power” of the US justice system. That being said, he hopes that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed doesn’t accidentally spill hot coffee in his lap.

NBC announced this week that next year’s Emmy Awards would be moved from September to August so as not to conflict with any football games. They were going to do the same for the Tony Awards until fans of the Tonys asked, “What’s football?”

A new pill is being tested that could stimulate the female libido. Scientists are confident it will work, because the unique pill is 10 inches long and vibrates.

There is now a growing market for people interested in environmentally friendly sex paraphernalia such as organic lubricants, vegan condoms, and hand-crankable vibrators. Furthermore, it’s no longer called “gonorrhea”. It’s called “going green”.

This week, YouTube launched closed captioning for videos on its site. It gives Northwest pilots something to read at work.

In a new interview with Vogue magazine, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reveals that she “naps on command.” Her secret–whenever she needs a nap, she plays a CD of Joe Biden talking.

Michael Jackson’s famous white glove will be auctioned off this Saturday at the Hard Rock Café in New York – and is expected to sell for at least $200,000. It’s rare that a glove would be that overpriced in New York and not play for the Mets.

Taylor Swift will debut her own line of greeting cards for American Greetings in 2010. However, when you open one, Kanye slaps it out of your hand and gives you a Hallmark.

Despite firing 40,000 employees, the U.S. Postal Service reported that it lost $3.8 billion last year. That’s because they used the U.S. Postal Service to mail $3.8 billion.

The White House said yesterday that it may transport the remaining prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to a prison in rural, northwestern Illinois – 150 miles west of Chicago. Authorities say the inmates will be kept in a place that nobody in Chicago will ever see… the World Series.

Taylor Lautner – the werewolf from Twilight – is getting his own Barbie Doll.  It features cut-off denim shorts, toned abs, a tattoo…and a restraining order against Ken.

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