Writings

The following jokes were some of my favorites that I submitted last week to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

It was reported this week that the unemployment rate for teenagers has soared to 27.6 percent. Ah, kids. They grow up so fast.

The Dow on Monday hit a 52-week high. It should be noted that “The Dow” is a nickname for Paula Abdul.

Yahoo announced that it will start providing free wireless internet in Times Square through next year. Their target: people who don’t have iPhones, hate coffee shops, or wish thieves would progress from purses to identities.

A man in Poland this week tried to rob a bank with a spoon. Later, for added effect, he and ten of his friends screwed in a light bulb.

After members of his administration described Fox News as not a legitimate news source,   President Obama will give an interview to the network while he is in China next week. After all, what better place to embrace freedom of the press than China?

“2012” – a movie about the end of the world – comes out tomorrow. It should make a killing in Chicago, where people are dying to see what it would look like if the Cubs won a World Series.

First Lady Michelle Obama made a special appearance on the 40th season premiere of “Sesame Street”. In which she told Bert and Ernie that she thinks they should have the right to marry.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut won the first ever Meatball Eating Championship in Las Vegas on Sunday – after consuming 50 meatballs in 10 minutes. You can see it all in the new movie Cloudy With a Chance of Indigestion.

CBS announced that the real-life Navy secretary, Ray Mabus, will appear on its hit drama “NCIS” later this month. In a similar story, NBC announced that the real-life New York Mets will appear on “The Biggest Loser”.

Disney’s “A Christmas Carol” won the weekend box office, with $31 million.  To get today’s kids excited about the classic, Scrooge is now a vampire.

The videogame “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” will be released and is expected to set records by raking in at least $500 million in its first week. This version of Warfare is very realistic, because after you play it for a while, Dick Cheney criticizes your decisions.

Beauty pageant winner Miss England gave up her title on Friday after she was involved in a nightclub brawl. The whole thing started when someone gave her a knuckle sandwich, and she rushed to the bathroom to throw it up.

A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week. Congratulations on tearing down that stereotype!

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