Writings

The following are my personal favorites from the jokes I submitted this week to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

The New York Yankees won their 27th World Series title. Officials quickly noted, however, that the victory was not a referendum on the President.

Alabama and West Virginia have passed laws this year that would double the legal alcohol limit in beer to 13.9%. Good news, Alabama and West Virginia! Now it only takes half the time to muster up the courage to hit on your sister.

Sesame Street turns 40 this month. You can tell because Big Bird just bought an earring and a corvette.

President Obama played a two-hour basketball game on Saturday.  And when it was all over, he beat the Knicks by ten.

A man in Tennessee says he doesn’t know why the image of Jesus keeps appearing on the window of his pickup truck. He doesn’t mind it, but admits he wishes it was Moses, so he could part traffic.

Scientists reported this week that female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex to get the males to prolong the act, which is rarely seen in animals other than humans. In a related story, the marriage rate is down among Chinese fruit bats.

A woman in New York state, who was dressed as a Breathalyzer for Halloween was arrested for DWI. The only thing more ironic would be if on Halloween, every other girl in America were arrested for prostitution.

President Obama and First Lady Michelle hosted an event at the White House tonight celebrating classical music. They said they both really enjoy classical music, but really whatever can drown out Fox News is fine with them.

The town of Dudley, Massachusetts has made it illegal to own more than 3 cats without getting a special license. Or a laser pointer, because that would be hilarious to watch.

A new report shows that more than 17,000 animal species are threatened with extinction. Unfortunately, none of them have the last name Gosselin.

Jon Gosselin said on Sunday that he is “just misunderstood” and is “not a fame seeker.” He must be serious, because he said the same thing in every one of the 25 interviews he’s had in the past 3 days.

Police in Arizona arrested a couple for stealing thousands of pieces of baggage from an airport in Phoenix. Ironically when they got to the jailhouse they were told, “Make sure you have a claim ticket, because some lawyers look alike.”

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. He said whenever she talks to him, it’s nothing but “itch, itch, itch!”

The iPhone officially went on sale this weekend in China. It’s just like the iPhone here, only when you’re done with a conversation there, you’re ready for another one an hour later.

“Michael Jackson’s This Is It” won the weekend box office – with $21.3 million, and $101 million worldwide in its first five days. And I thought Paranormal Activity was the only successful new movie that featured a white ghost.

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