Writings

This week President Obama held his first White House Hanukkah party. He plans on hosting a White House Christmas party as well, but only after security blocks the chimney from any party crashers.

The latest woman to be linked to Tiger Woods is Teresa Rogers, who is over 40 years old. Proving that Tiger Woods was not always opposed to playing way over par.

A woman in England pled guilty this week to disturbing the peace with her noisy lovemaking. Well, she said “guilty”, but you could tell she was faking it.

A new Web site was launched that lets cab passengers in New York City post complaints about cabs and their drivers. The site suddenly crashed, however, when spellcheck went completely bezerk.

A company in Ireland says that it has created the world’s first-ever “green technology” vibrator that is powered by winding it up. Which means basically, it’s a “Jack in the Box”.

It has been rumored that Alex Rodriguez and actress Kate Hudson have split up. If you’re scoring at home, that’s E-5.

McDonald’s announced it will offer free Wi-Fi at many of its locations. Marking the first time it won’t be considered creepy to see a man dressed as a clown surfing the internet.

Big news.  Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend!  When it was reported that Jonas was finally shedding his chastity ring, Tiger Woods said, “A what ring?”

Guitarist Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is 66 today.  He got a ton of birthday cards, plus a note of surrender from the Grim Reaper.

On this day in 1892 was the premier of Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker Suite”.  Or as it’s known today, “Tiger Woods’ House”.

Today the House of Representatives voted on a bill to lower the volume of TV commercials.  Ironically, they hit fast forward whenever Nancy Pelosi started talking.

This is crazy.  Pat the Patriot – the mascot for the New England Patriots – was arrested in a hotel prostitution sting in Rhode Island.  Even more embarrassing, the hooker explained why they call him a “Minuteman”.

The above were also submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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