Writings

General Stanley McChrystal, the top US commander in Afghanistan, testified before Congress that the he didn’t view July 2011 as “a deadline” to remove troops from the country.  That’s simply the army’s “Best If Used By” date.

During his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech on Thursday, President Obama said that the use of force is, at times, justified.  Then, out of habit, Joe Biden flinched.

Police in Arkansas say that a baby alligator, a rattlesnake, six pythons and three chameleons were found in a University of Arkansas dorm room.  Despite the evidence, the students will be charged as muggles.

Tiger Woods reportedly hired two prostitutes for one encounter because “he liked girl-on-girl.”  Or as he put it “fantasy golf”.

Tomorrow is Diane Sawyer’s last show on “Good Morning America.”  She will have completed 2,881 shows.  To put that in perspective, when she started, it was called “Good Morning Colonies”.

Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly moved out of their house in Florida and bought a $2 million mansion in Sweden.  It’s very upscale.  In fact, just in case Tiger visits, she added a diamond-encrusted doghouse.

Now there are rumors swirling about alleged nude photos of Tiger Woods taken by one of his mistresses.  According to initial reports, golf now has the first ever 12-wood.

A woman in Arizona claims she found an image of the Virgin Mary in her pancake.  Well that’s what she told the IHOP waitress when she tipped her with frankincense and myrrh.

Last week was the start of the two-week U.N. climate change conference. Or as Al Gore calls it, “Par-TAY!”

Tiger Woods’ alleged mistress in Florida said “on a scale of ten” she would give him a 12. It’s the first time ever that a double-bogey is a compliment.

Good news.  The national unemployment rate fell from 10.2 percent in October to just 10 percent in November. …Because the President finally hired more security to work his parties.

This is crazy.  A Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago to Salt Lake City had to be diverted this weekend when a woman gave birth to a baby. The woman may face charges, however, because her water broke but did not fit into a 3-ounce container.

Parents calling a children’s healthcare hotline at the Florida Governor’s office were mistakenly directed to a phone sex hotline. In other words, they accidentally called the South Carolina Governor’s office.

During the climate change conference in Copenhagen, prostitutes will offer free sex to the delegates. Getting gonorrhea will be called “going green”.

The above were also submitted to Late Night w/ Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

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