Writings

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%.  So he invited 52% of America over for a beer.

President Obama told reporters that, while it’s a “clever term,” his meeting with Henry Gates and James Crowley was not a “Beer Summit".  Ironically, however, when referring to how he juggles both healthcare and Iraq, he will describe it as "double fisting". 

A Japanese Astronaut aboard the space shuttle Endeavor has been wearing the same pair of experimental, high-tech underwear for the last month.  Good thing for science that he's a bachelor, because soon he'll just turn them inside out and wear them for another month. 

Pope Benedict will release an album on November 30 – of him singing and reciting prayers.  Early reviews are in, and they say, "Don't give up your day job for Lent". 

MTV will premiere a new documentary tonight called “Paris, Not France” – a never-before-seen look at the life of Paris Hilton.  At the end of the episode, her pet chihuahua is seen begging for Michael Vick's phone number.

Kid Rock said in a Rolling Stone interview that "Twitter is gay", and if he has anything relevant to say he will “squeeze it onto a record somewhere”.  Of course by the time Kid Rock has something relevant to say, Twitter will be allowed to marry. 

A new study finds that one third of adults in the U.S. take a nap.  Two-thirds of adults have apparently never watched the Mets.

The Senate Finance Committee is considering a three-cent tax on sodas to combat obesity.  But of course if healthcare reform goes through, it will be completely free to get a Dr. Pepper.

A new study finds that 61.8 million Americans volunteered last year – a million more than in 2007.  Ironically, they only did it because they were bored just standing in line at the unemployment office. 

President Obama welcomed the champion Detroit Shock to the White House and said that the WNBA serves as an inspiration for his daughters, Sasha and Malia.  In fact, he wants his girls to spend more time with the WNBA, so the media will be guaranteed to ignore them. 

Richard Branson – the billionaire chairman of Virgin – says he hopes to have a spaceship ready in time to take his 92-year-old father and 89-year-old mother into space with him.  He said he's excited about having the only spaceship in orbit going 25 miles per hour with its left turn signal on.  

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has asked security in his gated community to not let in ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson.  They suggested that he lay low and hide somewhere where she knows he would never go, like the Super Bowl. 

A product called Vio will soon hit stores in New York as a new carbonated milk designed by Coca-Cola.  Finally, Whitney Houston won't be the only person who laughs so hard that Coke shoots out their nose. 

Illinois and Northwestern may play a football game at Wrigley Field.  Because college football has a lot in common with the Cubs…..no playoffs. 

The above were either a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute or submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. 

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